Yesterday was Day 28. Today is the last day of week four. We are nearly a month into the counting. Have I made every day count? Have the blog posts been interesting, enjoyable, practical? As I was talking about yesterday, it is becoming a habit, a routine. It is part of the discipline and becoming part of my core, my deep spirituality. Will it endure? Will it last?

Today is about malchut b’netzach, the sovereignty of endurance, the kingship of eternity. Simon Jacobson points out, “Sovereignty is the cornerstone of endurance…. is indeed a tribute and testimony to the majesty of the human spirit.”

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this question. What makes one person survive a horrible, life changing event and come out the other side willing to work for the good of humanity? What makes someone else experience something similar and come out bitter, withdrawn, depressed? Victor Frankel, himself a Holocaust survivor, had some of it right in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, talks about it this way:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

But can we always choose our attitude? I am not sure. Many of the people who survived the Holocaust and can talk about it now share an idea with us. That they knew as a child that they were loved, and that because of that love, that security, they knew it would be OK.

Simon Jacobson asks questions as part of his reflections for the Omer, “Is my endurance dignified? Does it bring out the best in me? When faced with hardships do I behave like a king or queen, walking proudly with my head up, confident in my G-d-given strengths, or do I cower and shrivel up in fear?”

There are days I do cower in fear. There are days I would prefer to curl up under the covers and not get up and not see the world’s problems or feel that I have to deal with them. Then I remember that G-d is with me, will lighten my burden and give me rest, that G-d is my strength and song, that I am not alone and that it is G-d who neither slumbers nor sleeps so I don’t have to be afraid. Sometimes I have to say those words on automatic pilot to reassure myself.

I would add to Jacobson’s questions, does it bring out the best in others? Do I help others overcome their hardships? Am I mensch? What cause do I feel so passionate about coming out of my own life experiences, out of my own bitter pain, that I am willing to fight for that cause. That question I think I can answer. I am willing to fight for a woman’s right to pray as a Jew, I am willing to fight for peace, particularly in the Middle East, I am willing to fight for gun control, for immigrant rights, for women’s rights. I am finding my voice, and in the process finding my meaning.

Last week I was asked to do an interview for the Daily Herald. It was published today. http://www.dailyherald.com/article/20130423/news/704239950/ Only a fraction of what I said about living in Israel versus living in Boston was printed. It was one of the hardest interviews I have ever done. But I was uniquely qualified, I have lived in Israel, I have lived in Boston, I have even run the Boston Marathon. I froze when asked, “Were you afraid living in Boston or living in Israel.” Yes and no. It is complicated. I cried. I love both places. Most of the time I have not lived in fear and yet, and yet, I did not always feel safe in either place. Am I betraying places I love if I say that? Can I reach the place that Israelis get to every day? Life must continue. We get on the bus, go to the movies, go grocery shopping, send our kids to school. Is there ever a guarantee that we are safe? Unfortunately no. But we can’t give into the fear. That is what the terrorists want.

Afterwards I was reminded of Queen Esther who demonstrated a nobility in her response to the threat of killing all the Jews. She found her voice after Mordechai implored her, “If you remain silent relief will arise from another place, And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

That is Frankel’s search for meaning, that is living out this idea of the sovereignty of endurance. It isn’t easy. What cause are you willing to fight for?