My husband isn’t a big fan of Father’s Day. He doesn’t like gratuitous gift giving. He doesn’t like things divided neatly down gender lines. He might like riding a bike or kayaking or hiking but he is just as likely to enjoy time in the kitchen, knitting or sewing. He reminds me that he is not my father. But he is the father of four adult children so I believe we should celebrate Father’s Day.
Some have argued that Jews don’t celebrate Father’s Day (or Mother’s Day) because it is not a Jewish holiday. I disagree. Judaism teaches that we should, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God has given you.” (Exodus 20). It is repeated in Deuteronomy, “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you; that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you, upon the land which the LORD your God has given you.”

Honor is an interesting word. It means to respect. In Hebrew it is kabad, the same root as kavod, honor, glory but also the same root as liver, an organ that is heavy. Somehow honoring our parents is important, it’s a heavy responsibility. In Numbers, in the Holiness Code, this is reversed. “You shall fear every man his mother, and his father.” What is the difference between fear and honor?

One of the arguments I have had with Simon for a long time is how to translate the word “tire’u” in Hebrew, “you shall fear.” I am not sure I want to fear G-d or fear my mother and father. I think it means more likely “revere”. This discussion has been going on for years. Simon would argue that fear is a necessarily component to some of these relationships.

People tend to fear their father because all too frequently the “man of the house” is the disciplinarian. On the other hand, people honor their mothers–for giving birth, for raising them, for nurturing them. The commandments deliberately reverse the typical gender based roles. However since both mother and father, honor and fear we should do both with both parents. Honor and fear. I think that I probably honored, feared and revered both my parents. I honor, fear and revere my husband as a parent of his four children and pay respect to him for that.

The commandments don’t say “Love your father and mother.” You can’t legislate love. And yet I do. I love my parents and I love my husband.

This week on Facebook, through Pastor Keith Fry of Christ the Lord Lutheran Church posted a very interesting blog post about parenting. http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/04/16/six-words-you-should-say-today/

She, like me, admits to saying to much to her children when they finish an event. Too much correction. Not enough praise. She says there are six words you should say today. “I love to watch you.” She said that these six words have changed the way she parents. It is the difference between a nightmare sports parent and a good one, according to a survey of college athletes. You can read the blog yourself. She wondered if she had ever said it to her children after a soccer game, dance recital or piano concert. “I love to watch you play.”

I remember thinking about that when Sarah was young and she had picked playing basketball in second grade. She had learned about it in gym (yes, there were still gym classes then) and we signed her up for a summer league. I would leave work a little early and drive to an outdoor court. These girls who had been always told to “play nicely” and “share” were now being told to “be aggressive.” It was fun and I loved to watch. It was often the highlight of my week. But did I ever say it outloud. To her?

I loved to watch the little girl turned angel in the Nutcracker. And yes, I was proud of her, even if it did take 8 weeks of rehearsals to do one pirouette on stage. I loved to watch the growing dancer be Degas. I loved to watch her growing stage presence as she took on more and more challenging roles. I loved to watch her creativity in her costume designing. I loved to watch her and listen to her formulate sophisticated arguments at family dinners earning her place at the adult table. But did I ever say any of this out loud? I am not sure.

Hands-free Mama goes on to ask this same kind of thing about her language with her husband. So while you can’t legislate love, “I love to watch you.” I love to watch Simon breathe in the middle of the night. It is so calming for me and my active mind. I love to watch his eyes light up when he talks about Michigan football or dairy cows. I love to watch him play with the puppy–even when their aggressive play frightens me. They were even–hold your breath–dancing in the living room the other day. I love to watch him cook latkes or mow the lawn. I love to watch him play with the grandchildren and relate to them at whatever age they are. After all, as he says, he has always liked his children at whatever age they are and doesn’t hope that they will stay an infant, a toddler, a curious first grader, an independent fifth grader, a whatever forever. I love to watch him debate Sarah and challenge her intellectually.

I love to watch him. I love him. Happy Father’s Day.