Ariel Sharon, former prime minister of Israel, former minister of defense, died. For me it is personal. When you live in Israel, everything is personal, everything is intense. My response is not rare. It is not an exception.

Some history. Ariel Sharon was the minister of defense when my first fiance served in the Israeli army. He knew Sharon personally as a hands on manager and through him I met Sharon. He was known as Arik, short for Lion of G-d because of his courage and his military prowess in the Six Day War and then the Yom Kippur War.

Because of his military accomplishments and his skill as a general, he became the defense minister. That’s who he was when I met him in 1981. That’s when he became the most controversial. In 1982, there was a massacre of Palestinians at the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps in Lebanon. Sharon was accused of war crimes. In the inquiry that followed, he was found indirectly responsible for not stopping it and not preventing it. The last phone call I received from my friend serving in the Israeli army was to assure me that he was not involved in Sabra and Shatila. It was during break-fast after Yom Kippur.

In 1982, I wrote a paper for a Brandeis student organization about why the war in Lebanon could be justified as self-defense.  Then the unthinkable happened. In early 1983, my fiancé was killed in Lebanon by a terrorist bomb he was trying to disarm, rather than allowing his men to do it. He was following the Israeli strategy of Kadima, “Follow me”. It was the same leadership style Sharon exhibited in the Six Day War. My fiancé died a hero, saving other people’s lives. Six thousand miles away, finishing up my college degree, that was little comfort. The life we were planning was ruptured.

For years I held Arik Sharon personally responsible for his death. I could not forgive him. I followed the news of Sharon intently. He was found indirectly responsible for Sabra and Shatila and resigned as defense minister. He was called the Butcher of Beirut. He sued Time Magazine for libel–the charges were dismissed. The victims of Sabra and Shatilla tried to charge him as a war criminal in Belgium, the case was dismissed. And still i grieved. And still I was not able to forgive.

Sharon became known as the Bulldozer, because he ordered the demolition of Palestinian houses on the West Bank. He promoted the growth of Jewish settlements in what I might call disputed areas of the West Bank. There are those who would argue that his lasting legacy is that he always had the security of Israel first. He was a defender of Israel. But from my vantage sometimes his strategy was ill-advised and he made more enemies, thus risking the security of Israel. That is a subject of much debate, out of scope of this post. I joined Rabbis for Human Rights to support their work stopping the demotion of houses and planting new olive trees. I joined Parents Circle/Family Forum which works on issues of reconciliation between families that have lost loved ones on both sides.

He visited the Al-Asqa Mosque. I wanted to scream, “What were you thinking?” He said it was not a provocation. However, it became the flashpoint for the Intifada. More enemies of Israel made. More people killed on both sides.

Then, Sharon had a change of heart, an about face. After years of supporting the settlements, in 2005 now as Prime Minister, he ordered the removal of Jewish settlers on 25 settlements. He broke with the right-wing Likkud party and formed his own party, Kadima so that he could carry out his plans to disengage in Gaza. Again, we could have much debate about whether leaving Gaza helped create peace, which I think was Sharon’s intention, or provided a platform for more terrorism, which is also true.

We have just spent the last few weeks reading about Pharaoh and his heart. I explained my discomfort with the idea of G-d hardening Pharaoh’s heart. Aren’t the gates of forgiveness always open? Isn’t that exactly what we say during Ne’ilah on Yom Kippur. How could this man who I probably hated have this big a change of heart? Is it real? Could it be trusted? After all these years, could I forgive?

The answer to that, on a very personal level, is yes. Sharon was not personally responsible for my fiancé’s death. He was not a war criminal as others suggested. He was not the Butcher of Beirut as some have called him. He was Arik. Simply Arik, the Lion of G-d, a man of courage.  It takes tremendous courage to change your heart. That is precisely what Sharon did. And in the process he taught me about forgiveness. For me, that is his lasting legacy.