“If only”….is a four part song sung in the Broadway version of the Little Mermaid. “What,” you say, “another reference to a Disney princess?” Sorry. “If only” is a song that expresses the hopes of four main characters, Ariel, longing that Prince Eric will hear her voice, see her love. Prince Eric, longing to find the voice he heard rescue him. Triton wishing his daughter would understand him and come home. And Sebastian, well, he is Sebastian and wants to play matchmaker. (Oops, wrong musical!) Warning: The music may make you cry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj9jwgzNhL8

If Only you could know
The things I long to say
If only I could tell you
What I wish I could convey
It’s in my ev’ry glance
My heart’s an open book
You’d see it all at once
If only you would look

My daughter and I saw Little Mermaid on Broadway for my birthday one year. Or maybe it was for her. She was auditioning the next day on Broadway for a college scholarship. Or maybe it is hard to understand where one thing starts and the other leaves off. And that seems to be part of the song. Maybe I am remembering this today because another thunderstorm is rumbling through. The night we saw Little Mermaid we were caught in a torrential downpour with no cabs to be found. We arrived at the theater like drowned rats. In fact, the Marriott upgraded us immediately because we were so soaked!

So here are some more reflections about Mother’s Day.

If only she could know
The things I long to say
If only I could tell her
What I wish I could convey
I shout it out loud
That I am so proud
And that I love her e’vry single day.

That part is easy. As a mother, I am proud of my daughter every single day. And I love her. Unconditionally. Sometimes, however, she is a little frustrating and I lose my patience. I am human first and a mother second. But I still love her.

Mother’s Day is complex. One friend wrote, “Happy mothers’ day, especially to all the moms who choose their children rather than abuse and addiction.” Another wrote that she was missing her own mother and her now grown children. Mother’s Day can be lonely. That was my experience. My mother is gone and my daughter is in LA. It can be lonely so we planned a full day. It was lovely. One of the best Mother’s Days ever. It also enabled me to run from my feelings. I didn’t have to feel the pain of loneliness. Those came out today, like spring blossoms.

My teacher, Rabbi Jill Hammer posted this:” I’m sending love to everyone out there for whom Mother’s Day is complicated or is interwoven with loss. Those of you who’ve lost pregnancies, especially recently. Those of you who are birth mothers to children you don’t get to parent on a day-to-day basis. Adoptive and foster moms whose kids might not be able to feel celebratory towards you today because of their losses and mixed feelings. People who are missing their own mothers. I honor the spirit of motherhood in all of you who possess it, whether or not you have children with you today….”

It is more difficult to deal with the what ifs, the if onlys.

Marian Wright Edelman of the Children’s Defense Fund wrote this to her own sons, “I seek your forgiveness for all the times I talked when I should have listened; got angry when I should have been patient; acted when I should have waited, feared when I should have been delighted; scolded when I should have encouraged; criticized when I should have complimented; said no when I should have said yes and said yes when I should have said no. I did not know a whole lot about parentage or how to ask for help. I often tried too hard and wanted and demanded so much, and mistakenly sometimes tried to mold you into my image of what I wanted you to be rather than discovering and nourishing you as you emerged and grew.” If only…

Rabbi Harold Kushner says it this way, “I don’t find it necessary to forgive my parents for the mistakes they made. It is no sin to be human. They were amateurs in a demanding game where even experts can’t always get it right. Beyond forgiveness, I love and admire them for all the good things they did…When we liberate ourselves from the myth that G-d will love us only if we are perfect, then we will no longer feel that we need to be parents of perfect children to be admired or children of perfect parents to survive and succeed.” If only…

My mother wasn’t a bad parent. She did the best she knew how. She wanted to be a good parent. She took us to the park. Arranged play dates. Sewed clothes. Taught us to read. Read to us all the time. Provided educational experiences like the Museum of Natural History and FAO Schwartz. Joined the PTA. Was a Girl Scout Leader. But it wasn’t quite enough. I ached to hear her say she loved me. I wanted her to be proud of me.

If only I could tell my mother that I love her the same way I can tell my daughter. If only my mother could tell me she loved me or was proud of me. My daughter knows that she did–based on all the little gestures. But being demonstrative? Not my mother’s style. If only.

If only I could hear her voice again, even for an hour and we could have this conversation. Without running away from it. If only she didn’t feel pigeon holed into the society she lived in–and she had finished her PhD. If only she could see me now. If only I had courage. If only I could let myself feel the sadness. If only I could feel the pang of loss. If only I could feel the joy.  More than for a day. I know that is what she wanted for me. If only…