Tonight, well actually Sunday, two congregations came together to observe Selichot. This is the official start of the penetenial season. We begin to say again the words out loud that God taught to Moses. Adonai, Adonai El Rachum v’chanun. Erech Apayim v’rav chesed v’emet. Nose chesed l’alaphim, nose avon v’pesha, v’taka’a v’nakeh…The Lord, The Lord, God Merciful and gracious, slow to anger, full of lovingkindness and truth, extending lovingkindness to the thousand generations, forgiving iniquity, transgression and sin.

After Kol Nidre, said on Yom Kippur night, God answers, “Selachti kidvarecha, I have pardoned according to your word.”

That is what selichot is about. Beginning to say you are sorry. In fact, if you bump into someone on the street in Jerusalem, that is exactly what you say, “selicha” Pardon me, excuse me, I am sorry.

But saying you are sorry isn’t always easy. Not to God, not to your friends and families, not to yourself. It can’t be done overnight. It takes time to do it right. So we enter into this slowly.

Tonight we began with snacks—always good to have snacks—and havdalah. Then we showed a movie, Dancing in Jaffa. It is a good documentary—perhaps a little long something a good editor could fix—with an interesting premise. A Palestinian refugee who left Jaffa when he was four has become a world class ballroom dancer. He has returned to build bridges between Palestinian and Israeli youth living in Jaffa. Peace through dance. I like it. It has been tried before. Peace through soccer, through circus, through theater. Seeds of Peace, the camp in Maine. All of these have had some success.

But we are seeing this movie now. After the summer that Israel and Gaza just endured. I had watched the movie before the program to feel prepared. It felt a little naïve. On the other hand, having written about this topic for my thesis, I cannot think of another group where the Palestinian has been the initiator. Let’s see how this plays out, I think.

He has more to overcome than fear of the other. First he has to get boys to dance with girls. To actually touch them. But he makes the point that dance brings respect. “May I have this dance, please.” Eventually they do dance. Boys with girls. Jews with Muslims. And the program as well as the movie does a good job of breaking down stereotypes, of breaking down fear.

When we began the evening, one congregation sat on one side of the room and we sat on the other. By the time we were discussing the movies, the groups were a little more integrated. The conversation was intense. The question of how you can make peace—or even just dance—with your enemy or with someone who you believe wants you dead is a big question. I am glad we created a safe space to voice those deep concerns.

Rabbi Amy Eilberg in her book From Enemy to Friend cites a list of rules from Johnson, Johnson and Tyosvold, for rhetorical opponents to conduct their disagreements in fruitful ways.” It is worth repeating here:

• I am critical of ideas, not people. I challenge and refute the ideas of the other participants, while confirming their competence as individuals. I do not indicate that I personally reject them.
• I separate my personal worth from criticism of my ideas.
• I remember that we are all in this together, sink or swim. I focus on coming to the best decision possible, not on winning.
• I encourage everyone to participate and to master all the relevant information.
• I listen to everyone’s ideas, even if I don’t agree.
• I restate what someone has said if it is not clear.
• I differentiate before I try to integrate…
• I try to understand both sides of the issue.
• I change my mind when the evidence clearly indicates that I should do so.
• I emphasize rationality in seeking the best possible answer, given the available data.
• I follow the golden rule of conflict: act toward opponents as you would have them act toward you.

These are good rules—for engagement with a spouse, for check-in meetings at retreats (at the Academy for Jewish Religion we call them mishpacha, family meetings), in business meetings, at synagogue boards. Perhaps they work for geo-political meetings as well.

Or perhaps, we need a man with a vision, who was willing to think outside the box and teach dance and respect to children. My enemy becomes my friend. I feel safe. I build trust. Peace begins to grow. Slowly, like a waltz.

Or perhaps, building peace is saying that word selichot. You have to be willing to say, “Selicha, I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” Then teshuva begins. If I have done anything this past year, intentionally or not, knowingly or not, to cause hurt, then selicha. I am sorry.