This is what I started Wednesday afternoon…and then waited for after Shabbat, needing to still run around and prepare.

Girl Scouts, and Boy Scouts too, have a motto, “Be Prepared”. No matter how early I begin preparing for Rosh Hashanah I never feel ready. Oh sure…The choir has practiced. The cantorial soloist and I have rehearsed. The sermons are written. The linens have been changed to white. The silver polished. The prayer books swapped to High Holiday ones. The chairs set up.

I have done Selichot (the penitential prayers on the Saturday night before Rosh Hashanah. I have been to the mikveh. I have shopped for brisket and chicken and chopped liver. We have apples and honey. And a pomegranate for the second night. I have a new white dress.

Preparing for yuntif happens on many levels. Preparation for the congregation. Preparation for our own families. Preparation for ourselves. The last preparation is the hardest—and perhaps the most important.

When I stand in front of the congregation, facing the ark, the words above the ark say, “Da lifney mi atah omad. Know before whom you stand.” There is a sense of awesome dread. It is humbling. Can I ever be the bridge between the congregation and G-d? Can my words be inspiring enough? Can my voice be good enough? Can I be pure enough? Can I ever be clean enough? Can I ever be good enough?

At Mayyim Hayyim, the community mikveh in Boston, they use a different translation of tameh and tahor. Instead of impure and pure, or unclean and clean, they use ritually unready to ritually ready.

Rachel Naomi Remen in her book, Kitchen Table Wisdom quotes Carl Rogers: “Before every session, I take a moment to remember my humanity. There is no experience that this man has that I cannot share with him, no fear that I cannot understand, no suffering that I cannot care about, because I too am human. No matter how deep his wound, he does not need to be ashamed in front of me. I too am vulnerable. And because of this, I am enough. Whatever his story, he no longer needs to be alone with it. This is what will allow his healing to begin.

While leading prayer and sitting with someone in a counseling session are different, understanding that what we have to offer is our own vulnerability and our own humanity is important. Remembering it is humbling.

I tell this to students who are leading services. I tell this to the choir. I tell this to the house band. Leading prayer is not a performance. It is worship. It is about connecting with the Divine. It is about being a messenger, the shliach tzibbur, of the congregation.

I had two powerful experiences today that bring me hope that I am ready, that I have found my own sense of peace. Usually I go to Weight Watchers on Fridays. Obviously not doing that this week. So I went today. I have been disappointed in my weight loss but thought I might be down this week, so I went. I was. It seems trivial. But what happened next was not. I hit a milestone number and that led me to have a new insight. “I am not a bad person.” This type of insight is what the holidays are all about.

Later when I went to deliver a challah to one of our older members, I blew shofar for her. Not as well as some, but good enough. This 98 year old had never touched a shofar before. Never held one. When she heard it, she asked, “Did you just say baruch, blessed, through the shofar?” Wow!

Between those two experiences, I guess I am ready. And if not, there is still time. Yom Kippur is 10 days away.

Ready or not here I come. Hineini. Here I am. As fully present as I can be. May it be a sweet, new year, one filled with peace. Join with me as we continue to prepare to meet the Divine!