My mother used to say….
If you don’t have anything nice to say…don’t say anything at all.
And
Think before you speak.

Probably lots of mothers did. Maybe yours did. They were momisms.

Today’s d’var Torah is brought to you by my mom, and moms everywhere. It is dedicated to my mother, who was born on July 6, 1924. Her favorite quote in the Bible is in today’s haftarah. She used to explain that this Judaism thing is really very simple. She wondered why we made it all so complicated. After all, Micah said, “What does the Lord require of you? Do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your G-d.”

Simple, no?

Let’s look at that more closely. Hagid lecha adam, Ma Tov. It has been told to you. Man, V’ma Adonai dorosh memmcha. And what the Lord seeks from you. Ci im asot mishpat, that you do justice. V’ahava chesed, and love mercy. V’hatznaia lechet, and walk modestly. Im elohecha with your G-d.

Humbly. Modestly. Does it make a difference?

What does it mean to walk modestly with G-d?

People said:    To not take up more space than you require. To be humble. To be unassuming, unpretentious, not showy or flashy, to consume a moderate amount, to dress modestly.

What is the difference between humble and modest?

People seemed to think that modesty had to do with things, like drink or dress and that humility was a spiritual quality.

Moses was humble…the most humble leader…that was one of his good qualities.

But tzniut , modesty, has a different sense. You can be modest in dress. That is a discussion for another day. Or you can be modest in drink. Or you can be modest in speech.

Today’s Torah portion is about speech. It can be seen as a funny portion. After all, it has a talking donkey. But as someone pointed out, if G-d can do anything, even part the sea, than surely G-d can make a donkey talk.

Ultimately, this portion is about a non-Jewish prophet, Balaam, who is hired by the king, Balak, to curse the Jews. Three times Balaam tries to do just that…the allure of the money is just so great, so powerful. Three times blessings come out instead.

One of those blessings is incorporated into our daily service. Ma Tovu Ohelecha Yaakov, Mishkenotecha Yisrael. How good are you tents, O Jacob, Your dwelling places O Israel.

What was so good about those tents?

The texts tells us that they are like gardens by the river, like fragrant herbs planted by G‑d . . .” But Rashi tells us that it was because the tents were arranged modestly, so that from the entrance of one tent, no one could look into another.

But speech was also modest too. It is no accident that I stand under a sign that says “Da lifney mi atah omad. Know before whom you stand.” It keeps anyone standing here humble and modest. There is something, Someone bigger than us.

Judaism has lots to say about speech—both the good uses and the bad. In the poem in Proverbs A Woman of Valor we learn the importance of keeping the law of kindness on our tongue. On Friday nights, as part of reading “Eshet Chayil”, I use it as a checklist. Still not there yet. See our mothers were right. The law of kindness should be on our tongues.

And so we read this morning as part of the end of the Amidah, “My God, keep my tongue from evil, my lips from lies. Help me ignore those who would slander me. Let me be humble before all.”

When we get to the High Holidays, more of the “sins” we recite communally are about speech. About 65% of them. Here is a book, Guard Your Tongue, by Zelig Pliskin, 237 pages of it. All on this very topic.

Yet, there is a place for good speech.

In the Psalms we read this morning, we read, “What profit if I am silenced, what benefit if I go to my grave.”

Esther is told to go to the king and speak on behalf of her people, “For if you hold your peace at this time, then relief and deliverance will arise from another place, and you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows, perhaps you are here for such a time as this.” Speaking truth to power. A good use of speech, in its correct time and place.

That’s why later today, I and many rabbis, from all the streams of Judaism, will be “praying with our feet”, speaking truth to power.

But I want to go back to this concept of modest speech…and address issues right here at CKI. Every now and then someone tells me something else that people have said to them or that they have overheard. In the social hall, in the kitchen, at a shiva house, even during a service.

Things like…I’m not sure what you are wearing is appropriate. (and that may be the kind version). Can a woman wear a sleeveless dress? What if she has a shrug or a cardigan? What about leggings? How about shorts? Building the sukkah or at a picnic or on the bimah? Can women only wear skirts? What about the rabbi? I was even asked during my demo weekend six years ago, what I would do if someone came in flip flops. I feel safe using that example because I don’t think the flip flop wearer is here any more. But even this week, someone apologized for maybe having to come in jeans. Come in jeans. And the rest of us…try not to complain.

Things like…oh, I see you just came to the shiva for the free food. It was probably said as a joke but the person didn’t go to another shiva for over a year.

Things like…I don’t like so and so’s voice. Or mine. Or the Torah School families don’t do anything…or the Shabbat morning people don’t understand what parenting is like today…or …or…or….

We are all guilty of this. Recently I picked on Simon who came to services despite appearing to have a cold, which it turned out he did not. I said, from the bimah…he probably just wants his bagel. Now Simon loves to daven…and I love watching him doing his silent amidah where you can see him imploring G-d with his fist. In truth, it is one of the reasons I married him and it is one of my favorite parts of the service. He knows before whom he stands. So that morning, when I slipped and talked about him coming for bagels….I apologized. But sometimes we don’t know the damage we inflict until well after the fact…if ever.

What if people had said instead, I am so glad you came to the shiva, you helped make the minyan. Or I am glad you are at services…it really is hot today…Or thank you for singing, your spirit helped lifted our prayers to heaven. Those would all be blessings, not curses. Let’s turn our curses into blessings just like Balaam.

Think before you speak. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Our moms were right.