Cain and Abel  

Isaac and Ishmael 

Jacob and Esau and later still 

Joseph and his brothers 

Throughout the book of Genesis we have pairs of siblings that fall out of favor with each other. Sibling rivalry is a real thing. We are told in today’s story that Jacob and Esau reconciled—but then they went their own ways.  

What does it mean to reconcile? Jacob sent Esau gifts ahead of his arrival. Our Torah Study group talked about whether they were gifts to propriate himself as our translation said or to appease Esau or perhaps they were bribes. Last night we talked a little about gits and particularly at this gift giving season, even in the Jewish community, that is an important conversation. How we give gifts and why is important. (See below) 

This week I had the opportunity to go to someone’s house for coffee and an important conversation about hunger and homelessness in the City of Elgin and long term strategic planning hopefully leading to systemic change. Halfway out the door I texted her and said I could stop and pick up something at Arabica. She had already picked up some baked goods at Herb’s so I did not. But I could hear my mother saying never go empty handed. How many of you were taught that, never go empty handed. When I was In Guatemala as an AJWS fellow I learned something new to me about gift giving. It can change the balance of power, and not necessarily in a good way. We were asked not to bring gifts to the agencies we were visiting. Why? Because then they might feel a need to reciprocate, and they may not be in a financial position to do so, or they may feel embarrassed—or it would come out of the monies that AJWS had granted them thus defeating the purpose of the grant. I thought about that, and our parsha as I headed over to Joann’s for a lovely morning of coffee, donuts, planning and conversation. 

Gifts can be used to show off—look how great, wealthy, successful I am. Or they can be used as a symbol of love—we will see that in tomorrow’s wedding in an exchange of rings, a token, a symbol of Zack and Lila’s love for one another, or they can be used as one member of our Torah study group said as a bribe. If you accept this gift, then you won’t be mad at me anymore, you won’t want to kill me, you won’t…. 

This week the School of the Art Institute of Chicago took back a gift that they had given to Kanye West. His honorary doctorate from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago has been rescinded, and the school’s president condemned the artist’s recent antisemitic and racist statements. Honorary degrees are a gift, they are something that don’t have to happen and are used to recognize a significant body of work.  

‘“Ye’s actions do not align with SAIC’s mission and values, and we’ve rescinded his honorary degree,” President Elissa Tenny said in a statement to BuzzFeed News on Thursday. Tenny described the recent comments from the rapper, who recently changed his name to Ye, as “anti-Black, antisemitic, racist, and dangerous, particularly those directed at Black and Jewish communities.”’ 

This is not the first time this kind of thing has happened. I remember the long discussion at the Jewish Theological Seminary about its library when it was named for Ivan Boesky who was convicted of insider trading and junk bonds. Ultimately in 1987, after Ivan Boesky was convicted JTS took his name off of the library he had built for them. 

Sometimes I am asked an age-old question. Is it good for the Jews or bad for the Jews? One example was with Weinstein who was back in the news this week. While the trial is still going on I will comment only this way. It appears that Weinstein is bad for women, bad for humanity and therefore bad for the Jews.  

I wrestled with what to talk about this morning. Later in this portion but not in the section we just read we have the rape of Dinah. As a community that just hosted Anita Diamant whose best seller, The Red Tent deals with this brief story, I thought maybe we should look at Dinah. Having a background in rape and domestic violence counseling and a book on that topic, you might have thought that I might have talked about Dinah this morning. I will commend to you Rabbi Paul Kipnes about Jacob’s silence at Dinah’s rape and Joseph’s encounters with Potiphar’s wife. https://reformjudaism.org/learning/torah-study/torah-commentary/jacob-awakens-sexual-assaults-suffered-his-children?fbclid=IwAR35LYkvqNLax2Xy3BEmvpPbRTDVOlYc7F_nYyC10CbtmqGkhjThBbn1XrM   

Ultimately this morning, I want to talk about reconciliation. There are several people in this congregation who have struggled with children who are estranged or who have rough relationships with parents, siblings, friends. People who have wanted to reconcile but may not even know what caused the split.  

We talk about this often, especially before Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. We are told that for sins against G-d Yom Kippur atones but for sins against our fellow, we must make peace with them first. This is the basis of teshuvah, return, repentance.  

Jacob is returning. Physically, at least, to Canaan. Mentally, spiritual, he is afraid. He works to protect his family and he is alone, where he wrestles with a man? An angel? Himself? G-d? His name is changed from Jacob, the heel to Yisrael, Israel, One who wrestles with G-d. And he limps away to his encounter with Esau. Yet I am not sure he really reconciles with Esau. He doesn’t seem to follow the steps of teshuvah of repentance that Maimonides outlines centuries later.  

1. Regret. As Rabbi Paul Kipnes points out. “No wrongdoing can be transformed until we first recognize the error of our ways.” This is a highly personal, private step. We must feel remorse for what we have done. Does Jacob regret stealing the birthright? There is no evidence of that in the text.  

1. Renounce. Admit you made a mistake. Acknowledge to yourself that your actions were wrong. Don’t make up excuses or rationalizations. Promise you are not going to do this again.  

1. Confess: Say you are sorry out loud to someone else. Say it directly to the victim. The act of saying it out loud makes it more concrete. Judaism teaches that repentance and reconciliation only happens with the person directly affected. The book The Sunflower by Simon Wiesenthal addresses this question directly about an SS guard who wants Simon to grant forgiveness to him on his death bed after horrendous crimes against a Jewish community. Simon really wrestles with whether he can do that since the victims are dead. Read the book. 

1. Reconcile: Rabbi Paul Kipnes explains: “These first three steps address the sinner’s needs. Step four, reconcile, focuses on the one wronged. However commendable regret or confession may be, these alone do not heal someone who has been hurt or deceived. If teshuva is to be more than a simple way for the sinner to feel good again – if it is to become a tool for repairing souls, both the sinner’s and the victim’s – then it must transcend the realm of the emotion and conversation, and enter the tangible world of action. To reconcile with the person wronged begins with sincere apology. It continues with a long term investment of our time and energy, as long as necessary, until the sinner and the person wronged are able to work through this problem. We may need to spend significant time talking. We may need to give the other person time alone and space. Be patient. You see, we quickly hurt others but it takes time to heal.” 

1. Make amends: Part of teshuva is making amends. This may be accomplished with tzedakah, with volunteering, with monetary recompense. It may mean providing for counseling or therapy for the victim. As Paul Kipnes adds, “While a donation of money cannot buy forgiveness, it can help others who were similarly hurt if the tzedakah is given to appropriate organizations.” The question then becomes what were the gifts that Jacob gave to Esau. A way to affect reconciliation? A bribe? An attempt to buy forgiveness? Did he skip right to this step? 

1. Resolve: This is the step that for some is hardest. If confronted with the same situation, we resolve to not do it again.  

If you want to read Rabbi Kipnes’s full understanding of the Maimonides, it is here: https://www.paulkipnes.com/6-steps-of-teshuvah/ 

Jacob doesn’t seem to do each of these steps. He doesn’t seem to regret stealing the birthright or renounce his actions. How might this whole thing change if he had given back the birthright or split it with Esau in some sort of meaningful way? He didn’t apology or confess his actions. He didn’t make amends and he didn’t promise to never do it again. Similarly, Esau didn’t acknowledge his threat that he was going to kill Jacob, or promise to never do it again. Instead, after all of Jacob’s gifts raising the question of whether you can really buy reconciliation—that’s not in Maimonides’ steps by the way, and after a kiss that Rashi said was insincere, the brothers agree to just go their separate ways.  

What then do we do? We work these steps carefully. Step by step by step. And we realize that sometimes they still may not work. The person needs to feel safe and safety is hard to guarantee. Sometimes the person we are trying to reconcile with may be so wounded that they are not interested. Sometimes the person we are trying to reconcile with may have deeply seated underlying mental health issues. Sometimes, like Jacob and Esau, it may make more sense to just agree to go our separate ways.  

Kabbalat Shabbat: 

This is a gift. A small token of friendship. A Chanukah tzotchke. Purchased at Target by my phlebotomist. Not because she had to. Not out of some sense of obligation. Because she saw it and wanted to do something nice.  

There has been a lot written about anti-semitism these days. It is clear that hate crimes are on the rise, sadly. Charlie Neuman sent a video this week from Beit Tefilah that echoes what many of us learned. Based on last week’s Torah portion and the seeming almost reconciliation of Jacob and Esau, the rabbi was taught that they all hate us. All the non-Jews. He was taught in his very Jewish neighborhood to cross the street instead of walking by the one church in the neighborhood. Many of us were taught similar things. He says it is not true. They don’t all hate us and that is important to remember. That we need to bless the non-Jews that do like us. He based it on the text that we are all created b’tzelm elohim, in the image of G-d. I would echo his sentiments and add to them. We are taught to love our neighbors as ourselves, which he says applies to loving our Jewish neighbors. The text is not clear. Rayecha can be translated as neighbor, fellow or kin. But later on we are also told we should love the stranger in our gates. So really it is still all about unconditional love of our fellow, Jew or not.  

https://bethtfiloh.myschoolapp.com/app/detail/video/11515102  

Recently there was a meme that many of my colleagues posted that said, “If you are wondering what to get me for Hanukkah, I’m really into, unequivocal condemnations of anti-semitism.” That would be lovely—and just such an article appeared as an op-ed from a Catholic priest in the Daily Herald. https://www.dailyherald.com/discuss/20221207/a-christian-call-to-stand-up-against-growing-antisemitism?cid=search  And earlier today, Judi Tepe had a  lovely response printed.  https://www.dailyherald.com/discuss/20221212/letter-expressions-of-support-are-appreciated 

It’s a start. But also a start—the Interfaith Thanksgiving Service. The deep connections and relationships we have built over time with our neighboring religious leaders. The phone calls I have received asking what they can do to help, and this little gift. Antisemitism will not go away overnight. It takes us being vigilant. It takes us being visible. It takes us demonstrating loving our neighbors. Over and over again. It takes us standing up for the vulnerable, Jewish or not. And it takes just being a friend.