Last week I got the call I knew would come but was still unprepared. Alyn Rovin, now of blessed memory died. He was so instrumental in my life that I quickly rescheduled my own medical procedure, covered the staffing of the blood drive and found flights that would work to Florida. I don’t have the luxury to do this often but as I told people who Alyn was every single person said, “yes, you have to go.”  I wasn’t even “doing the funeral” I was just going to lend support to his kids, also longtime friends. As it turned out, they hoped I would do a eulogy. What follows is essentially what I said:

You’ve  heard some of the biographical bullet points but let me fill in some of the stories  I’m not here as a rabbi today, but merely as an almost life long friend.  

Quite simply, Alyn was a mensch. He was a class act.  

He was a sea scout, and that motto of “Be Prepared” and leave a place better than you found it, were ideals he lived by.  

When my husband and I were about to be married, we went to tell Alyn and Nancy the good news. We weren’t sure how they would respond. Nancy was digging in the upper garden. She wiped off her muddy hands and said, “Alyn, go get the champagne.”. I tell this story every wedding talk I do because it teaches us that you should always be prepared. Always have a bottle of bubbly, alcoholic or not, to toast the big moments or the little moments, day by day by day. They were prepared. Always prepared. And yes, I have a bottle on ice in Illinois, just waiting for the right moment.  

Another example of his being prepared. The year before we got married, we wanted to host a Shabbat dinner before Thanksgiving, a Friendgiving before it was even called that. I called Alyn in advance to carve the turkey. He came prepared, with his own knives. I think my soon to be husband was a little chagrinned and a little crestfallen.A fter all, he could carve a turkey. But Alyn came prepared.  

Alyn and Nancy really wanted to make the world a better place. They were at the March on Washington and heard King give his famous  “I have a dream speech.” Somehow, it seems beshert that we are here today as we approach both Martin Luther King, junior’s and Abraham Joshua Heschel’s birthdays. It was Heschel that said his feet were praying when he marched with King.  That was certainly true of Alyn. Wherever he went, his feet were praying. And he went lots of places. Wherever he went he brought his respect, his desire to learn, and his unique sense of humor. They were in the first group of Peace Corp volunteers, making life long friends in Malaysia. They always marked John F. Kennedy’s yahrzeit. And there were seemingly little ways that they made the world a better place. Like taking care of the first solar ner tamid, the eternal light, anywhere in the country. Alyn used his electrical engineering background to craft something so unquie that had been a vision of Rabbi Everett Gendler, also of blessed memory, who would remind people that the sun is the original ner tamid. It should never go out. Alyn was the president of Temple Emanuel of the Merrimack Valley. He and Everett had a special bond as rabbi and president. They would have breakfast every Friday and that relationship and those discussions were important to both of them. I learned much about the roles of the rabbi and the-president by listening to Alyn. I learned much about business too. He had much to teach, much to model and much to mentor. Especially for women under his tutelage. Whether that was physics to the girls in Maylasia or women on his staff at Polaroid Or me. (And who else could you call in the middle of dinner at the Waldorf Astoria,  if the restaurant had a tip line for the maitre de, the sommelier and the waiter? What was I supposed to do with that on a business trip to New York?I figured only Alyn would know! And of course, he did. 

Most Sundays after Nancy and I would finish teaching religious school, the staff would go out to eat. We loved trying new restaurants and we were especially fond of Amici in Billerica where we were first introduced to tiramisu and Yankee Cajun where Alyn ordered Gerstermeiner to go with the spicy food. And of course, there were many lovely meals in that screened in porch in Carlisle of Malaysian hot pots and swimming in the pool.  

Entertaining was something they did seemingly with ease. Whether it was a Shabbat dinner, a pool party, or seders with lots of singing, rhythm instruments and of course gathering around the grand piano to sing every song from Fiddler. And I remember fondly clarinet and piano klezmer duets. Music was so integral—classic. Klezmer, Handels messiah or Peter Paul and Mary. How many Peter Paul and Mary concerts did we go to together? I can imagine that those duets are continuing. If Alyn can find his clarinet.  

Lifecycle events, Kailah’s Bat Mitzvah, my husband’s and my wedding where Alyn was a ketubah signer that still  hangs over our bed. Nancy famously siad that morning, the irst day of spring, that the snowflakes were just daisy petals from heaven. Maybe that will be true tomorrow morning too as i head into more snow in Chicagoland. Sarah’s naming. Kailah and Marc’s wedding and dancing to lots of Sinatra. But there was one I didn’t attend and that one was very special. Olivia’s bat mitzvah where the requirement in this very congregation aa explained to me was to chant the Torah as well as do the aliyah blessing. He didn’t want to disappoint Olivia and so he mastered that skill sitting at my dining room table Oh, how proud he was of you. And I was so proud of him. My ordination. There were few who thought I could become a rabbi. Alyn was quite sure I could. He was prepared, present and invested for all of those. 

At some point they moved to Acton and I did a house dedication nailing up the mezuzah. I still use that outline. But really, they wanted to be close to the grandkids. So they sold the place in the keys and moved here. They loved picnics and going to all of your sporting events soccer, swim meets, track. No call was complete without a rundown of what the grandchildren were doing. He was interested in everything and everyone. 

That included me. In the last couple of years, I received a diagnosis of multiple myeloma, one of the many issues that plagued Alyn, too. I knew he was on dialysis and had a sense of how draining that can be. But I somehow had missed this piece. He would call while he was on dialysis and I would drive to or from treatments. I think dialysis was boring and maybe lonely. We would swap treatment plans and side effects. He was amazing and up on all the research.  

I got through rabbinical school on musical theater lyrics. One that seems particularly apt is one from Les Mis. Alyn and Nancy attended my daughter’s high school production of Les Mis and were amazed that there was a student conductor. These words seem to appropriate for today. 

There’s a grief that can’t be spoken
There’s a pain goes on and on
Empty chairs at empty tables
Now my friends are dead and gone 

Here they talked of revolution
Here it was they lit the flame
Here they sang about tomorrow
And tomorrow never came 

From the table in the corner
They could see a world reborn
And they rose with voices ringing
And I can hear them now! 

The very words that they had sung
Became their last communion
On this lonely barricade
At dawn 

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone
There’s a grief that can’t be spoken
There’s a pain goes on and on 

Phantom faces at the window
Phantom shadows on the floor
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more
Lyrics by Alain Boublil

 He really cared about everyone. He was always prepared. That light he guarded will never go out. He was a mensch. The world is a better place because he was here. But we are not done yet. There is a line from Pirke Avot, “Ours is not to finish the task. Neither are we free to ignore it.” Alyn, and Nancy, set the bar high, accomplished much but did not finish the task. Our task then is to continue to make the world a better place.  
There are many many stories. Make sure you tell them to Fern, to Josh and Peggy, Olivia and Asher, Kailah and Marc, Maddox and Mason. That’s how we keep the memory of Alyn alive.

Many times there emerges a person, or in this care several people who are the primary caregivers. I heard the story first from Kailah in her initial call and later at dinner last ngiht. The pulminologistt said that people don’t generally live for five years on dialysis. I believe that the rabbis of the Talmud had it right, that the body is a finely balanced network . But what held him together was the love and the support from all of you. He lived for his family. He loved his family, And you so clearly loved him, So I offer you this:

A Prayer for the Caregiver 

Unknown and often unnoticed, you are a hero nonetheless
For your love and sacrifice is God at his best.
You walk by faith in the darkness of the great unknown.
Your courage, even in weakness gives life to your beloved.
You hold shaking hands and provide the ultimate care:
Your presence, the knowing, that you are simply there.
You rise to face the giant of disease and despair.
It is your finest hour, though you may be unaware.
You are resilient, amazing, and beauty unexcelled,
You are the caregiver and you have done well! 

Bruce McIntyre