Happy Mother’s Day Weekend. Before you tell me that Mother’s Day isn’t a Jewish holiday, maybe it should be. Right from our text today. Today we read Kedoshim, the Holiness code. You shall be holy because I the Lord your G-d am holy. It is the central most section of the Torah. It is a description of how to set up a civil society, a moral society, a Jewish society, based on Jewish values. And it begins with this quote, “Fear your mother and your father, and keep My sabbaths, I am the Lord your G-d.” Now we are not going to debate what holiness means or whether it should be fear or revere your mother or why the order is mother and father here but in the 10 Commandments it is honor your father and mother.
Today we are going to look at how the image and ideals of mothers have changed over time in Judaism.
Last night we looked at the poem from Proverbs that many husbands read to their wives callee Eishet Chayil. A woman of valor…who can find. Remember, this is an ideal. We Kleins use it a checklist. Did I work and give food to the needy? A portion to my workers? Did I open my mouth with wisdom? Maybe. And is the law of kindness on my tongue? I’ll keep working on it. These days there are other versions of Eishet Chayil to reflect other kinds of families. Two women. Two men. A divorced or blended family. So, so many combinations these days.
Eishet Chayil while part of Proverbs, midrashically is what Abraham used as his eulogy of Sarah. It is still used at many women’s funerals. (Not my mother’s! She felt it didn’t represent her understanding of feminism, despite this woman being a business owner, buying and selling fields and working from early morning until late at night!)
The Jewish matriarchs were Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah. None were perfect. Sarah and Rebecca struggled with infertility and their solutions didn’t always work. Mother’s Day can be tough, if you’ve lost a child, are waiting for a child, lost a parent or your own marriage didn’t work the way you thought it would. Rachel even hid her idols on the way…it is said in Jeremiah that Rachel is still weeping for her children. This year I think we all weep for children…those in American who don’t have access to good health care, those who are abused, those who don’t have enough to eat. That list goes on and oneAnd yes, we weep for children in Gaza, for children in Israel. So, so many tears.
The history of Mother’s Day is not just a Hallmark Card. It was originally started by some mothers who didn’t want to send another child, a son, off to the Civil War. There must be a better way. There still must be a better way.
Julia Ward Howe wrote a poem in the 1870s:
Last night I asked if anyone knew “A Yiddishe Mama” well enough to sing Adon Olam to it. No one even knew it! So here is one version of the Yiddish classic originally sung by Sophie Tucker.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weYcCyf-3RU
Sometimes Bruiah, the wife of Rabbi Meir, herself a scholar and a teacher and therefore sometimes described as the first woman rabbi has an important and painful story to teach about her own children. The midrash tells us that the couple was blessed with two boys who brought their parents much joy. One Shabbat afternoon both sonds suddenly became ill and died. Rather than rushing off to the study hall, the beit midrash where Rabbi Meir was teaching, Bruiah waited until she came home and greeted him at the door withwith what seemed to be a puzzle. what seemed to be a puzzle. “A man lent me a fine gift,” she told him, “and now he has come and asked me to return it.” “W”What is the problem? If it was borrowed, it must be returned.” asked Rabbi Meir. asked Rabbi Meir. “The problem is that the gift is something that I cherish very much and it is hard for me give it up,” she answered.
“But it is not yours,” her husband replied. “You should be thankful that this man lent you something that gave you such pleasure and be happy to return it.” Then Bruriah led her husband to the next room where their two sons lay still in their bed. I can’t even begin to imagine those parents pain.
In 1670, Gluckl of Hamlin (https://jwa.org/encyclopedia/article/glueckel-of-hameln) began to write a diary in Yiddish. She was a young bride (14 is young!) and gave birth to 12 children. (I can’t even imagine!) Sadly her husband died in 1689 with still 8 of those children not yet married. He had been quite the business person and she took over the business, traveling all over Europe to ply their wares despite the great risks. She also used those trips to arrange marriages for her children. If you have nf you have not read these memoirs I encouage you strongly to do so.
One of the stories in her memoir is about a mother eagle who must transport her fledglings over a stormy sea to a new next. These four baby birds depent on her, She fights a head wind, her wings grow ever weaker and there is still too far to go. She asks the first baby, “Do you love me and will you promise to repay me for this?” Yes, I swear,” tweets the first bird.
But the mother bird senses a lie. She drops that little bird into the sea. Same for eaglet two and three. But number four gives a different answer: “”Mother,” he says, “I can only promise that when I have my own children, I shall do as much for them as you have done for me.” The debt will be paid in full, but only to your grandchildren.
The weary mother knew the truth when she heard it. She fought with the wind and her fatigue and brought her child who would become the father of her grandchildren safely to the shore. It reminds me a little of Honi and the carob tree. Our ancestors planted for us so we must plant, or fly across the sea for our children and grandchildren. It is one of those l’dor va dor moments. From generation to generation.
Last night from Leo Rostens Treasure of Jewish Quotations we learned that G-d could not be everywhere, so He created mothers. OK, and as I often quip text me when you get home, I was a Jewish mother before I was a rabbi. But do we really know where it is from? Rosten didn’t source it so I did some investigating. Some think it might be in the Talmud but it is hard to find that exact quote. It might just be a Jewish parable. Or it might be from Golda Meir, who knows where she picked it up.Or maybe it is Rudyard Kipling. No matter, as a parable it rings true, coupled with all the jokes about Jewish mothers.
The Bookery explains the quote this way: “beautifully encapsulates the concept and significance of motherhood. With profound simplicity, she emphasizes the divine role mothers play in our lives. The quote suggests that mothers possess a unique ability to provide the unconditional love, care, and guidance that we seek. It recognizes the exceptional strength, compassion, and selflessness that mothers embody as they nurture and protect their children. Golda Meir’s words not only highlight the irreplaceable bond between mother and child but also acknowledge the immense impact mothers have in shaping individuals and society as a whole.” https://www.bookey.app/quote-author/golda-meir#:~:text=Golda%20Meir’s%20quote%2C%20%22God%20cannot,mothers%20play%20in%20our%20lives.
Golda Meir had much to say about parenting and peace: in 1957, before the National Press Club in Washington: “Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us. (She also made a similar statement specifically regarding Nasser.) In a similar vein, she would say, Peace will come when an Arab leader is courageous enough to wish it. Or perhaps you like this versionthis version:
“When peace comes we will perhaps in time be able to forgive the Arabs for killing our sons, but it will be harder for us to forgive them for having forced us to kill their sons. Peace will come when the Arabs will love their children more than they hate us.”
In Rabbi Harold Kusher’s book, How Good Do We Have to Be? A New Understanding of Guilt and Forgiveness, he has an entire chapter of “Father and Sons, Mothers and Daughters.” This book too is worth the whole read. But today I want to offer you this. He quotes Marian Wright Edelman’s book, the Measure of Our Success with a Letter to my sons: “I seek your forgiveness for all the times I talked when I should have listened, got angry when I should have been patient, acted when I should have waited; feared when I should have been delighted, scolded when I should have encouraged, criticized when I should have complimented said no when I should have said yes and said yes when I should have said not. I did not know a whole lot about parenting or how to ask for help. I often tried too hard and wanted and demanded so much and mistakenly sometimes tried to mold you into my image of what I wanted you to be rather than discovering and nourishing you as you emerged and grew.” Page 90-91
These are important words. Many have struggled with their relationships with their mothers. Perhaps they were overbearing, helicopter parents. Perhaps they were verbally abusive. Perhaps they abused. Perhaps they were demanding or distant or didn’t understand how to parent. Do any of us, really? Those matriarchs didn’t. Kusher tells the story in his book of being asked whether an adult daughter had to go to her mother’s funeral. He says no, but encouages her to go to mourn the relationship with her parent that she wished she had had. On this Mother’s Day Weekend, words to think about.
Another thing to think about is the legacy we leave our children. One way to do that is by creating an ethical will, a written testament of the values you want to pass down to your children and grand children. Here is a one paragraph ethical will from a mother to her children:
“I fully expect that I will live for a very long time, to see you well into adulthood and to share your future with you. There is much to look forward to and I am planning on being part of all the adventures and all the challenges and all the joys. But if for some reason I am not, the most important thing you need to know is how much my love for you created the person that you will remember as me. I made you quite literally, in my womb, but you made me, too. I am so proud of you and so grateful to you. When the time comes, and none of us can answer the question of when that will be, you need to know that without a doubt, I was fulfilled in my life. I have had a wonderful life and I don’t want you to mourn me – maybe a little, but not too long! Carry me forward by re-creating the net that I was for you and be it for others. Carry me forward in your kitchen with oatmeal scones and casserole bread and pie, warm from the oven and made for your own delectable pleasure, or for those you care about. Carry me forward with an optimistic outlook and tenacious devotion to what you know is best. Carry me forward and I will be with you always.”
However you choose to celebrate this weekend, we hope that it is what you would want. And remember our parsha, “You shall be holy because I the Lord your G-d am holy. Revere your mother and your father, I am the Lord.”