Last week we read the “prayer” the Sh’ma from the Torah itself. It is an interesting “prayer”. It says, Hear, O Israel, the Lord our G-d, the Lord is one.” Six words in Hebrew. In the Torah itself the last letter of Sh’ma and the last letter of Echad are always written larger. Ayin and Dalet spell Ad, meaning witness. When we proclaim the Sh’ma outloud we are witnessing that G-d is one. Sometimes, I have seen Echad translated as alone or unique, even in this morning’s tranlation in Siddur Sim Shalom. Another reason the dalet is larger is to avoid any confusion with raish. Sh’ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Achar, would mean “Listen Israel, the Lord our G-d, the Lord is Other” That would mean a whole other thing. 

This prayer is the central proclamation of our faith. G-d is One, Alone, Unique. As Mi Chamocha from the Song of the Sea says, “Who is Like You?” And that question is answered in the Torah Service, Ayn Kamocha. “No one is like You.”  

Deuteronomy is a different kind of book than the previous four books of Torah. It is a summary of our history. A long soliloquy. An ethical will of Moses’s. His parting swan song. It contains many of the core ideas of Judaism. 

But what about the word Sh’ma., itself? It means something like listen, hear, heed, obey, pay attention.  It appears 92 times in the Book of Deuteronomy and our portion today begins with it. It begins with the sentence “It shall come to pass if you surely listen to these laws. (Deut 7:12) . 

As Moses speaks to his people he is begging them to pay attention. To hear what he is saying. To hear what G-d is saying. Our portion includes the middle paragraph of the V’ahavta, which beings, “V’haya im shamo’a tishm’u el mitzvotai…If you listen, really listen, heed the commandments…” (Deut. 11:13) Again we have the use of the root Sh’ma. 

Rabbi Lord Sacks says that Judaism is a religion of listening and that this is one of its most original contributions to civilization.  

Listen carefully. Rabbi David Cook pointed out that the metaphor of listening and hearing as a way of understanding even influences our Talmudic debate. Ta Sh’ma, Come and hear. Ka Mshama lan, It teaches us this. Shema Mina, Infer from this. Lo shmiya lei, He did not agree. All of these are from the root Sh’ma, to listen. You can hear the root Sh’ma in each of those. 

Listen carefully. Lord Rabbi Sacks taught that our modern society was built on the two pillars of ancient Greece and ancient Israel. He argued that ancient Greece was built on a culture of seeing. We even have that maxim that “seeing is believing.” “This idea – that knowing is seeing – remains the dominant metaphor in the West even today. We speak of insight, foresight, and hindsight. We offer an observation. We adopt a perspective. We illustrate. We illuminate. We shed light on an issue. When we understand something, we say, “I see.” 

Laiten carefully. Judaism, however, is based on hearing. We cannot see G-d but if we listen to the still small voice that Elijah spoke of, we may hear G-d. And we believe that G-d can hear us. We count on that when we beg G-d in prayers like SH’ma Koleinu, (Hear that root Sh’ma again?) that G-d will hear us and we will not be alone.  

Sacks continued: “This may seem like a small difference, but it is in fact a huge one. For the Greeks, the ideal form of knowledge involved detachment. There is the one who sees, the subject, and there is that which is seen, the object, and they belong to two different realms. A person who looks at a painting or a sculpture or a play in a theatre or the Olympic games is not an active part of the art or the drama or the athletic competition. They are acting as a spectator, not a participant. Speaking and listening are not forms of detachment. They are forms of engagement. They create a relationship. The Greeks taught us the forms of knowledge that come from observing and inferring, namely science and philosophy. The first scientists and the first philosophers came from Greece from the sixth to the fourth centuries BCE.” 

“But not everything can be understood by seeing and appearances alone. Jews and Judaism taught that we cannot see God, but we can hear Him and He hears us. It is through the word – speaking and listening – that we can have an intimate relationship with God as our parent, our partner, our sovereign, the One who loves us and whom we love. We cannot demonstrate God scientifically. We cannot prove God logically. These are Greek, not Jewish, modes of thought. I believe that from a Jewish perspective, trying to prove the existence of God logically or scientifically is a mistaken enterprise. God is not an object but a subject. The Jewish mode is to relate to God in intimacy and love, as well as awe and reverence.” 

In our house we spend a lot of time talking about hearing and listening. Sometimes we yell, just to be heard. Sometimes we text. Sometimes we sit at the kitchen table eating Shabbat dinner sharing news stories on our phones. Did you see this one? What do you think about this? Sometimes we touch each other on the arm so we know the other is paying attention. We’ve tried making sure that we are each looking at the other. Make no mistake. It is frustrating. For both of us. 

The Talmud teaches, specifically about the Sh’ma that in order for it to count, to fulfill your obligation to say it, it has to be said out loud. Your ears have to hear what your mouth is saying. What does that mean if you are hearing impaired? That too is something we debate in our house.  

Sacks reminded us something I have taught before. Psychotherapy, which Sigmund Freud called the “speaking cure:” Is based on the idea that when you participate in therapy, your own ears hear what your mouth is saying. And sometimes those comments are reflected back by the therapist. Sacks said that it could be described therefore as the “listening cure”. “It was only after the spread of psychoanalysis, especially in America, that the phrase “I hear you” came into the English language as a way of communicating empathy.” 

Listening is profoundly spiritual. For Sacks it is the most effective form of conflict resolution.  He argues that: “Many things can create conflict, but what sustains it is the feeling on the part of at least one of the parties that they have not been heard. They have not been listened to. We have not “heard their pain”. There has been a failure of empathy.”  

 “Listening lies at the very heart of relationship. It means that we are open to the other, that we respect them, that their perceptions and feelings matter to us. We give them permission to be honest, even if this means making ourselves vulnerable in so doing. A good parent listens to their child. A good employer listens to their workers. A good company listens to its customers or clients. A good leader listens to those they are leading. Listening does not mean agreeing but it does mean caring. Listening is the climate in which love and respect grow.” 

Sacks’ d’var Torah resonated with me. But he doesn’t answer how we do this. How do we listen to one another with love and empathy?  

As we begin to approach the High Holy Days, our confession of sins include more that have to do with speech than any other. Perhaps there should also be some that have to do with listening.  

Listening is a big part of our lives. We use listening skills to: 

• to obtain information. 
• to understand. 
• for enjoyment. 
• to learn. 

Marshall Rosenberg designed a school of communication called “Non Violent Communication.” It is based on and Active Listening skills. Perhaps some of you in your work lives have even attended workshops on this very topic. But those skills bear repeating as a way of redoubling our efforts to be kind, to be compassionate, to be empathetic. : 

Yet according to one source, we only retain 25%-50% of what we hear. https://www.mindtools.com/az4wxv7/active-listening (The study cited was done in 1947. I suspect the percentage may even be worse!) The article went on to repeat those active listening skils: 

1 . Pay Attention 

• Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message. Recognize that non-verbal communication also “speaks” loudly.  

• Look at the speaker directly. 
• Put aside distracting thoughts. (and electronic devices!) 
• Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal! 
• Avoid being distracted by environmental factors. For example, side conversations. 
• “Listen” to the speaker’s body language. 

2. Show That You’re Listening

• Use your own body language and gestures to show that you are engaged. 
• Nod occasionally. 
• Smile and use other facial expressions. 
• Make sure that your posture is open and interested. 
• Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes, and “uh huh.” 

3. Provide Feedback

• Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. As a listener, your role is to understand what is being said. This may require you to reflect on what is being said and to ask questions. 
• Reflect on what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is… ,” and “Sounds like you are saying… ,” are great ways to reflect back. 
• Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say… .” “Is this what you mean?” 
• Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically. 

4. Defer Judgment

• Interrupting is a waste of time. It frustrates the speaker and limits full understanding of the message. 
• Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions. 
• Don’t interrupt with counterarguments. 

5. Respond Appropriately

• Active listening is designed to encourage respect and understanding. You are gaining information and perspective. You add nothing by attacking the speaker or otherwise putting them down. 
• Be candid, open, and honest in your response. 
• Assert your opinions respectfully. 
• Treat the other person in a way that you think they would want to be treated. 

This takes practice. It takes trust. It takes compassion, kindness and empathy. It takes being G-d like. As we approach the High Holy Days, I urge you to listen. Listen carefully. Maybe then, as we hear each other, we will also hear the still small voice of G-d and know that G-d is listening.  

Today we are going to do something we don’t usually do. We are going to help one individual make a “birkat hagomel” a blessing on surviving a dangerous situation. Our prayerbook. Siddur Sim Shalom, tells us that this special blessing is to be recited by “one who has recovered from a serious illness returned safely from a long journey [usually stated as over an ocean) or survived a life-threatening crisis (including childbirth).” Sadly, in this country, childbirth still counts as a life-threatening occurrence. I talked about that recently.  

While, there is an individual here who recently had a brain tumor removed, and we are thankful it was beneign, I have the feeling that after two nights of tornado warnings and 11 that touched down in northern Illinois, some right in Elgin, many of us in room may feel that we have survived. As far as I can ascertain, no one in our immediate community has suffered any damage. As far as I know no one in Elgin had any injuries. NO injuries. That is a clear reason for Birkat Hagomel. 

And then, one more reason. We have a member whose apartment sustained a fire. But again—no injuries, and the cat was rescued too! (Update—no damage to her unit and she is fully insured) Another reason for Birkat Hagomel. We’ll wait for that one until she is here. 

The language for Birkat HaGomel has interested me for a while. Usually translated in flowery language as someone who bestows. Who bestows favor or goodness or chesed, lovingkindness. G-d bestows favor upon me. But if you listen carefully you hear the root, g-m-l, like the letter gimmel, a pictogram for a gamal, a camel. A camel is an animal that is filled up and can then nourish us with water in the desert. So each of us who is feeling deep gratitude today has been filled up with G-d’s goodness. 

There is a connection here with today’s Torah portion as well. 

“If a householder makes a vow to יהוה or takes an oath imposing an obligation on himself, he shall not break his pledge; he must carry out all that has crossed his lips.” (Numbers 30:3) 

As we begin to approach the High Holy Days with its plantif sounds of Kol Nidre, All vows, it is important to understand this verse. We know that there is no accident when a word is repeated in the Torah. It is usually there for emphasis. It is a chance to sit up and take notice. In this verse we have three words that seem to mean something very similar. Vow, Oath and Pledge. So what is going on here? 

First lets see if we can figure out what each of those mean? Are they just synonyms or do they mean something different?  

Vow: in Hebrew Nedar
solemnly promise to do a specified thing. 

“I vowed that my family would never go hungry” 

ARCHAIC 

dedicate to someone or something, especially a deity. 

“I vowed myself to this enterprise” 

The most common use seems to be wedding vows. I promise to love and cherish you all the days of my life til death do us part. 

the word “neder” is mentioned 33 times in the Torah, 19 of which occur in Numbers, the book we finish reading today. A neder is a kind of vow or oath. It may consist of preforming some kind of act in the future or abstaining for some kind of act. It could mean taking on an obligation. In the Orthodox community, not making a vow is taken so seriously that you often hear the phrase” I will do x, y or z, bli neder, without a vow.”  

Oath: in Hebrew, shevua
a solemn promise, often invoking a divine witness, regarding one’s future action or behavior. 

“they took an oath of allegiance to the king” 

Both Neder and Shevua appear in the language of Kol Nidre.  

Pledge:  

a solemn promise or undertaking. 

“the conference ended with a joint pledge to limit pollution” 

a thing that is given as security for the fulfillment of a contract or the payment of a debt and is liable to forfeiture in the event of failure. 

“he had given the object as a pledge to a creditor” A wedding ring is an example of this kind of pledge. 

Our system of rabbinic Judaism has many obligations. We are obligated to do x, y, z. It can be as simple as saying the morning Sh’ma–and we might even argue and debate until when we can do so, as they do in the Talmud—or even who is obligated. But once that obligation is taken upon by ourselves it is an obligation for all time. 

Fast forward to the High Holy days. Now comes Kol Nidre. “All vows we are likely to make, all oaths and pledges we are likely to take between this Yom Kippur and the next Yom Kippur, we publicly renounce. Let them all be relinquished and abandoned, null and void, neither firm nor established. Let our vows, pledges and oaths be considered neither vows nor pledges nor oaths.” 

This sounds like it is in the future tense. Aren’t we asking forgiveness for things we have done in the past year? Why then are we renouncing our vows to come? 

Shrouded in mystery, there are theories about Kol Nidre’s origins. Perhaps, as one popular theory has it, it takes to the time of the Spanish Inquisition, where Jews were forced to renounce their Judaism and convert to Christianity. Nonetheless the remained hidden Jews, crypto-Jews, practicing Judaism secretly in the privacy of their homes. These cypto-Jews created Kol Nidrei to nullify their vows of conversion before God. The formal and legalistic nature of the prayer lends validity to this theory. However, most scholars date Kol Nidrei to much early times. It is very similar to contracts written by the Babylonian Jewish community in the 6th and 7th century.  

Kol Nidre is a legal formula to annul vows. It is said before a court—three judges, upstanding members of the community, holding at least one Torah, before the open ark as witnesses. As such, it must be completed before sundown on the evening of Yom Kippur, just before the holy day actually begins. The response is instantons. “I have forgiven you according to your word.”  

Swearing or making an oath or a vow is a very serious undertaking. It is one of the 10 Commandments. It is similar to making a covenant, a brit. If you do x, then I will do y and it is binding.  

There are several reasons one might make a nedar: personal piety as a way of making a commitment to the Torah and mitzvot, personal improvement, as a way of improving ones behavior for the better, in times of need, essentially bargaining with G-d, for instance if there is a health crisis or you want to pass that math test. One of the biggest forms of a neder is for gratitude. You might have made a vow this week as you were hiding in a basement. “If no damage occurs to my house, then I will go to shul. If I get out of this alive, then I will keep kosher. Very similar to the Birkat Hagomel.  

In preparing for this morning, I learned that we should be especially careful when it comes to charity pledges. According to many rabbinic authorities, even if you just mentally decide to give to a charity but didn’t verbalize it, it is a binding vow. In the old days, when the Holy Temple stood in Jerusalem, this is based on the verse, “Hezekiah answered and said, ‘Now you have invested yourselves to the L‑rd; come close and bring [peace] offerings . . . and every generous-hearted one, burnt offerings,’”6 which refers to voluntary commitments or “contributions” made in one’s heart to bring a burnt offering to the Temple. Rabbi Yosef Caro rules that nowadays, since donations aren’t made to the Temple, a charitable vow must be verbalized to be binding. Rabbi Moshe Isserles, however, rules that even nowadays, if one made a firm commitment8 in his mind to make a charitable contribution, it is binding like a vow, and one should be extra careful to keep his commitment. This becomes especially important as our new fiscal year begins. A vow is about honoring our commitments and must be taken as a binding and serious obligation.  

What then do we do with this week’s verse? I think it is a call to really watch our speech, very, very carefully. If you don’t think you are going to fulfill your obligation, don’t promise to do something.  

This weekend marks the start of my 12th year as your rabbi at Congregation Kneseth Israel. It is a real honor to stand before you each week, to teach and to learn with you, to accompany you on life’s sacred journey. This past weekend included a funeral, services Friday and Saturday, two shiva minyanim, and the ongoing planning of a baby naming, a Bar Mitzvah and a wedding. I appreciate that you put your trust in me.  

It’s not a secret. 4th of July is (or was before Caleb) my favorite holiday. It was a command performance. No one ever asked where I would be for Rosh Hashanah or Passover. It was are you coming for the 4th. It was one big, week-long party. Independence Day, a step-daughter’s birthday on the 5th, my mother’s on the 6th and my father’s on the 7th. There was a ritual to it. Food. Family. Friends, Fun. Fireworks. Flags, Parades. The pool and annual croquet tournament. Food included deviled eggs, the largest bowl of guacamole and something called ham balls—which work perfectly well with ground turkey! And late at night, after the fireworks, a trip through an authentic Mexican drive through. And even later a midnight trip to the original Meijers to buy grout for my mother’s aging tiles.  

I miss that this week. It isn’t the same as it was. Those fireworks make me and Caleb nuts. Some of the people are no longer with us. The parade no longer goes by my track mom’s house.  

I no longer return to Grand Rapids for the 4th. This year Simon and I are going to California to do the wedding of the daughter of congregants. We’ll get to spend some time with the step-daughter on her birthday. And before you know it, we’ll be back.  

When I get back, I will plan a workshop to help people learn to lead a shiva minyan and another one to learn to lead a Friday night service. Some of you already can. Some would like a refresher course. And some want to learn from the beginning.  

I had forgotten this, but a good friend, a Catholic priest reminded me. Last year, like the Jewish community of Richmond, VA, we wrote a prayer for our country for the 4th of July. What would we as a community pray for this year? I think it might be the same prayer.  

July 4th, 2022:
A prayer for our country, written by Congregation Kneseth Israel, Elgin, Illinois, on the occasion of Independence Day Weekend, 2022, 5782  

O Lord our G-d, we gather to pray for our country as Jews have done for centuries. We pray as our ancestors did, Abraham, and Isaac and Jacob, Sarah, and Rebecca, Rachel and Leah and our American forefathers: George, and Thomas, and Samuel, and Alexander, Abigail, and Martha, Anne and Rebecca, each of whom had a vision of this country.  

We pray for our leaders and our democracy. Preserve our nation and our democracy. Restore its image in the world. Allow us to be a light to the nations, a shining light on the hill. Cause a new light to shine.  

Awake and arise to the knowledge that we all are made in the image of the Divine, created to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. All of us.  

May our citizens remember to do unto others as they wish others to do unto them. To love our neighbors as ourselves. To take care of the widow, the orphan and the stranger  

Enlighten our leaders. Give them insight and compassion.  

Remember our Constitution and preserve it.  

Invigorate our commitment. Empower us to work for the day when liberty is proclaimed for everyone.  

Cause them to administer justice equally to all.  

Amen! Selah. So may it be so.  

Give us strength. Give us strength to turn our anger into action, to return to the vision of this country. Give us hope. Give us joy. Give us peace so that everyone can sit under their vine and fig tree and none shall make them afraid. 

So however you celebrate tomorrow, may there be food, family, friends, fun, fireworks, flags and a chance to reflect on our place in America and why we are proud to be American Jews or Jewish Americans. That is a debate for another time.  

This past Friday night, on the last day of Pride Month, Congregation Kneseth Israel paused to mark Pride Shabbat. We had special readings, a special Oneg Shabbat with rainbow food and the Elgin Police Department Pride squad car showed up. I’ve marked pride for years and given sermons about it for as long as I can remember but I think this is the first time we have marked it with announcements in advance, allowing more people to participate. There was more excitement than I anticipated and some push back, which I did anticipate.  

Here were my remarks and the readings.  

Why does Pride matter? Why does Pride matter to the Jewish community? I tried to answer that earlier in the week.  

For me, it is simple. We, as a Jewish community need to be allies. We need to support those Jews who consider themselves LGBTQ+. We need safe, non-judgmental spaces, for all. In this congregation it fits with our vision statement that includes “Embracing Diversity” 

For me, it is simple. When I went back to look at what I have said in the past on this topic, it is all there in black and white—or maybe rainbow colors.  

For me, it is simple. This is a question of freedom of religion. 

Over and over again, I have clergy of different stripes try to argue scripture with me. That’s fine. I relish those debates. It is helpful if they have a good grounding in Hebrew grammar. Often they bring up a troubling verse in Leviticus, just ahead of the holiness code, the most central portion of Torah that tells us to “Love our neighbors as ourselves. V’ahavta l’rayecha kamoch.” Sometimes people argue what rayecha means. I repeatedly tell you that every translation is a commentary, a midrash if you will. Rayecha could mean neighbor, kin, tribe. It could be only Jews or everyone.  

For our purposes let’s assume it means everyone—all our neighbors, Jew or gentile.  

In Chapter 18 there is a troubling verse that is the reason that many believe that homosexuality is wrong. Not only wrong but a sin an abomination.  

The King James translation says: “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” (Lev 18:22) It is part of a long list of sexual sins and it is the traditional reading for Yom Kippur. Many congregations, including our own reads the Holiness Code instead, because of this verse. It is included in our machzor, high holy day prayerbook, published by the Conservative Movement’s Rabbincial Assembly with a copyright of 1972. 1972. This is not a new conversation. 

But what if the King James translation is wrong? It has set 500 years of public policy. With thanks to Rabbi David Greenstein who was the Rosh Yeshivah at the Academy for Jewish Religion, and who taught this verse as part of a class on marital relations, and later published them Let’s look at them carefully. I am no Hebrew grammarian at his level so we will use his exact words. He believes by looking deeply at the grammar of the verse, it really is a polemic against gang rape. See your high school English teacher was right; it pays to know grammar! 

It is really an elegant graceful, grammatical argument and the authors of the King James translation missed it. So for over 500 years there has been needless pain and suffering for LGBTQ folk. 

I have quoted his argument before. But it needs repeating. Again. This very week. 

“Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 have been read for millennia as the Torah’s condemnation of homosexuality. How should we read these verses as we enter the sacred sphere with “zot,” with our conviction that we carry the Divine Presence with us – straight or queer– as we are? I submit that we may read these verses in a new way, a way that removes them entirely from the topic of homosexuality. The verse in Leviticus (18:22) is comprised of three elements – persons (V’et Zachar), forbidden acts (lo tishkav mishkevei ishah), and a term of condemnation (to’evah hi). Let us examine each element in reverse order… 

When we consider the first part of the verse, the part that mentions the persons involved in the forbidden act, we read the phrase “And with a man” / “V’et zachar.” Now, the particle et may indicate the object of an action. 

Until now our verse in Leviticus has been read to mean that a male is prohibited to make another man the object of his sex act. But this word can have another meaning. The first place where it is unambiguous that the word et is being used in another way is in the verse, “And Enoch walked with (et) the Almighty…” (Genesis 5:24). 

In that verse it is clear that the particle does not signify an object indication. Rather, it means “along with.” Now we may read the verse very differently: 

v’et zachar And along with another male lo tishkav you shall not lie 

mishkevei ishah in sexual intercourses with a woman to’evah hi it is an abomination. 

There is no prohibition of homosexual acts of any kind. Rather, the Torah prohibits two males from joining together to force intercourse upon a woman. This is a to’evah because the introduction of the second man completely transforms the act from a potentially innocent act into a manipulation that degrades the act of intercourse and makes the woman subject to violence and objectification.” 

http://www.on1foot.org/sites/default/files/Interpreting%20Leviticus%20-%203%20part%20lesson_0.pdf 

When I first studied this with Rabbi Greenstein all I could say was WOW! It was “mind blowing.” Yasher koach to Rabbi Greenstein. I wonder how much pain and suffering of those in the LGBTQ community could have avoided if King James had better translators. 

But that was then. This is now. NOW! Just today, the Supreme Court ruled on a case that would limit LGBTQ+ rights. The court said in the 6-3 vote that it is about freedom of speech. I am not a attorney. I do know that reading the Constitution is a little like parsing a page of Talmud. I haven’t had time to digest it all. It is, after all, news ripped from the headlines and I am sure it will be spun and spun again.  

“The Supreme Court Friday ruled in favor of a Christian web designer in Colorado who refuses to create websites to celebrate same-sex weddings out of religious objections. 

The 6-3 decision was penned by Justice Neil Gorsuch and joined by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Samuel Alito, Amy Coney Barrett, Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas. Justice Sonia Sotomayor penned a dissent joined by her liberal colleagues Justices Elena Kagan and Ketanji Brown Jackson.” https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/live-blog/supreme-court-decisions-student-loan-lgbtq-live-updates-rcna91936  

And while that hasn’t been time to study it, I actually see it as a slam against freedom of religion not just freedom of speech. This is not the first time courts have ruled against LGBTQ+ rights and it has the very real possibility that it could also impact our rights as Jews . But if you don’t have to do business with someone who is gay just because you don’t like that “lifestyle” then you also don’t have to do business with someone who is Jewish. You think I’m making this up? Nope. 

In 2019, South Carolina wanted to deny the rights of LGBTQ people and Jews to be foster parents.  

“The federal government agreed Wednesday to allow federally funded foster care agencies in South Carolina to deny services to same-sex or non-Christian couples. 

The waiver issued by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services will allow Greenville’s Miracle Hill Ministries to continue as a state-supported foster care agency.” https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/s-c-group-can-reject-gays-jews-foster-parents-trump-n962306  

For me this is scary stuff. Yesterday, I spent part of my morning on the Museum of Tolerance where we learned, once again, the dangers of othering. That is part of what enabled ordinary people, our neighbors, agree to aid and abet Hitler. Hitler did not act alone. He used his powers of persuasion and propaganda to convince people to do the unthinkable. 

This is the last day of Pride Month. The very last. We have a smorgasbord of wonderful treats for you this evening. Thanks to Gareth, Shira, Barb, Robin and Jenny. We thank the EPD for bringing their Pride decorated squad car. But pride is more than rainbows and unicorns. We cannot afford to take our eyes off this all too important topic. It is a matter of freedom of religion—our freedom of religion. And so I am proud to stand as a Pride ally.  

Opening Reading:
May the door of this organization be wide enough
 to receive all who hunger for love, all who are lonely for friendship.
May it welcome all who have cares to unburden,
thanks to express, hopes to nurture.
May the door of this institution be narrow enough to
 shut out pettiness and pride, envy and enmity.
May its threshold be no stumbling block
to young or straying feet.
May it be too high to admit complacency, selfishness and harshness.
May this be, for all who enter, the doorway to a richer and more meaningful life. 

 From Mishkan T’Filah 

 Permission to shine:
You have permission
to laugh until you can’t speak.
And to speak until you can’t catch your breath.
You have permission to fall in love with yourself.
Or to not know which self you really are today.
You have permission to be curious, confused, clueless and aimless.
Yes, you have permission.
The rainbow spirit inside of you has been lighting up the world ever since the day you were born.
And you, in all your radiance?
Are worth being seen, however you want to be. 

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה אֲדֹנָי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם שֶׁעָשָׂנִי בְּצֶלֶם אֱלֹהִים
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, Melech haolam, she-asani b’tzelem Elohim.
Blessed are you G-d, our G-d, king of the universe, that created me in the image of the Divine. 

Devon Spier, 

Before Ma’ariv Aravim: 

Twilight People -–Rabbi Reuben Zellman
As the sun sinks and the colors of the day turn, we offer a blessing for the twilight,
for twilight is neither day nor night, but in-between.
We are all twilight people. We can never be fully labeled or defined.
We are many identities and loves, many genders and none.
We are in between roles, at the intersection of histories, or between place and place. We are
crisscrossed paths of memory and destination, streaks of light swirled together. We are neither day nor night. We are both, neither, and all.
May the sacred in-between of this evening suspend our certainties, soften our judgments, and widen our vision.
May this in-between light illuminate our way to the God who transcends all categories and
definitions. May the in-between people who have come to pray be lifted up into this twilight.
We cannot always define; we can always say a blessing. Blessed are You, God of all, who brings on the twilight. 

Before Mi Chamocha: 

Our people came out of Egypt a mixed multitude, the spray of dividing waters sparkling
diamonds all around them.
We stood together at Sinai, all of us—future, present, past—amid the rumble of thunder and the crack of bright lightning, to enter into covenant with the One who loves us, in whose shining image we are all created, over and over again.
We have wandered bleak landscapes, built flimsy tents of skins and then houses of stone. We have planted orchards and vineyards, seen two Temples rise and then go down in surging flames, forcing us into exile. We have loved and lost, grieved and danced, transgressed and celebrated. Hidden, suffered, thrived.
And we gather here this day, in the community of our people, a mixed multitude, and we sing out:
Hear O Israel, we stand together, all of us, descendants of the single first human created
on the sixth day, and of our myriad parents down through the generations, too numerous to
name. We stand together, link arms, and pray.
Blessed are You, God of the universe, who sanctifies us with the commandment to love
ourselves and one another—in all our varied ways—and blesses us with a diamond-bright  radiance that still ripples out from Your first spoken words of creation. 

Andrew Ramer 

Before Kaddish: 

Love Wins
 One day, the words ‘coming out’ will sound strange,
Oppression based on gender or orientation will be a memory,
History to honor and remember,
The pain of hiding, repressing, denying,
Honoring the triumphs of those who fought to be free,
Remembering the violence and vitriol that cost lives.
When love wins,
When love wins at long last, 

ואהבת לרעך כמוך, 

‘Love your neighbor as yourself’
Will be as natural as breathing. 

ואהבת לרעך כמוך! 

One day, love will win every heart,
Love will win every soul,
Fear will vanish like smoke,
And tenderness for all will fill our hearts. 

ואהבת לרעך כמוך! 

Love wins. In the end,
Love wins. Man for man,
Woman for woman,
Woman for man,
Man for women,
All genders,
All orientations,
All true expressions of heart. 

ואהבת לרעך כמוך! 

Let this come speedily,
In our day, A tribute to the many
And the diverse
Gifts from heaven.
A tribute to love deep and true,
Each of us for one another. 

ואהבת לרעך כמוך! 

© 2016 Alden Solovy 

Earlier this week the world marked World Refugee Day. According to the World Refugee Day site, “World Refugee Day is an international day designated by the United Nations to honour refugees around the globe. It falls each year on June 20 and celebrates the strength and courage of people who have been forced to flee their home country to escape conflict or persecution. World Refugee Day is an occasion to build empathy and understanding for their plight and to recognize their resilience in rebuilding their lives.” The theme of this year’s day was Hope Away from Home. 

Over and over again in the Torah, 36 times according to the Talmud, we are told that we should honor the widow, the orphan and the sojourner, precisely because  were slaves in the land of Egypt and then we were refugees. Wanderers. Not just our ancestors. We ourselves. We know what it is to be mistreated, to be an outsider, a slave.  We were refugees. And throughout the ages, Jews have continued to be refugees. That is part of why HIAS, the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society exists, and supports World Refugee Day. Yes, I made my financial commitment to the work they are doing. And yes, that is part of why I chose to work for Refugee Immigration Ministry as one of my rabbinic internships. That is part of why I have a Cambodian nephew rescued from the Killing Fields.  That is part of why I have a brother-in-law who is an immigration attorney and a judge. And that is part of why I went to meeting last week for Elgin leaders and Centro de Informacion to talk about what we can do as a city to welcome new immigrants. CERL leaders and city officials have a commitment to doing precisely that. 

This week, the Israelites who are wandering in the desert, who we have listened to them kvetch and complain for weeks now, do something else in this week’s parsha. One of their leaders, Korach, questions Moses and Aaron’s authority and leadership. Now questioning by itself is not bad. My father’s definition of a Jew, as I often quote is someone who questions, thinks and argues.  

Korach, a cousin to Moses, Aaron, and Miriam and a fellow member of the tribe of Levi, and who holds a position of communal prominence, but he wants more. So he rallies thought leaders and political figures to his cause, claiming to be the people’s champion. “All in the community are holy, all of them, and the Lord is in their midst,” he declares. “Why then do you raise yourselves above the Lord’s congregation?” (Numbers 16:2-3) 

What is the problem with Korach’s question? It sounds like a good point. Everyone is holy. No one should be above the people, right? We are all created b’tzelem elohim, in the image of G-d. Acording to Rabbi Menachem Creditor, “In so doing, Korach’s assault on Moses and Aaron is really an assault on the foundations of the community, an attack on the nation he purports to defend. Beneath Korach’s lofty words lies a deep-seated desire for power. This unquenchable thirst represents a profound imbalance within him, as real satisfaction lies not in accumulating authority, but in finding purpose and meaning within oneself. Korach’s quest for power would never have led to fulfillment.” 

In contrast, we see an example of a leader who is humble. We are told about Moses that he was humble and as an expression of that humility, he falls on his face before G-d. Later, in Deuteronomy, we are told that there has never been a leader, a prophet that arose like Moses. We sing that line in Yigdal.  

What do we want in a leader? Moses is held out as an example of a good leader. Folliwing the example of G-d being merciful and compassionate, slow to anger, patient, forgiving and humble. Those seem like good attributes of a leader. Recently we had our own board induction of leaders. We called it an Induction into the CKI Leadership Hall of Fame. Some people tell me that they are not leaders. There is no one model for leadership, An old Girl Scout handbook, in taking about leadership outlined several styles. Some are Directors. Some are Delegators. Some are Coaches. Some are Supporters. Each has a unique role.  

The Talmud in Pirke Avot teaches that there are two types of arguments, those for the sake of heaven and those that are not. The example that Pirke Avot uses is the difference between Hillel and Shamai’s debates and the one of Korach. The old RSGB prayer book has a prayer for committee meetings that includes this very example. When we gather as a board or a committee we should argue for the sake of heaven, not because we want to grab more power. 

Shortly after Korach questions Moses’s authority, the earth seems to swallow up Korach and his band of 250 followers. “They went down alive to She’ol, with all that belonged to them. The earth closed over them and they vanished from the midst of the congregation” 

This seems like harsh punishment.  

Sermons are supposed to be timeless, not necessarily timely. This week, however, I feel the need to be timely, so please forgive me.  

This week we saw two examples of the sea swallowing up people. Sadly, they went down to the depths. The world seemed captivated by a mini-van sized submersible with five people on board. These were not refugees, rather they were privileged elite, who could afford just this kind of thrill ride. For their families and friends the outcome is a tragedy, and I am sure that they will be missed. Sudden deaths like this can be very difficult, because there was no time, no opportunity to fully say goodbye. Yes, the participants signed waivers, but I am not sure they could fully understand the risks.  Once I went white water rafting in New Hampshire. I too signed a waiver that included death as a possible outcome. It spooked me and still I went.  It was a thrilling 3 hours, and expensive on our budget, but not something I feel I need to repeat.  I may not be that much of a thrill seeker. 

Perhaps though what struck me as I sat from the safety of my living room, was the hubris of the CEO who felt that the satiety warnings didn’t apply somehow to him and his craft. He ignored those warnings and put people, himself included, at risk. That risk turned out to be fatal. This example is the opposite of Moses’s example. It is hubris. 

We mourn with the families, this loss of life. We applaud the international cooperation that the rescue mission, which became a search and recovery mission took. We have seen this kind of cooperation before. With the Thailand cave rescue and more recently with the Turkey and Syria earthquake. Israel, with their unique skills honed with years of responding to terrorist attacks often offers significant help. There is much that can be learned from this disaster. And it is a tragic disaster. 

Sadly, however, there was another example of people going down to the deep this week. A refugee boat with roughly 750 people on board capsized off the coast of Greece. Refugees, migrants seeking a better life in Europe sank in Greek waters. With hundreds still missing and dozens confirmed dead, Greek and European authorities are facing mounting criticism. 

The number of survivors is currently at 104 people. Many of them are Syrians, Pakistanis and Egyptians. Most of those who have been rescued were taken to a refugee camp on the mainland just outside of Athens, and if you do the math, that leaves hundreds of people still missing – up to 500, according to the U.N. 

500 people missing, not 5. Where are they? What could the leaders of European nations done differently? What kind of international cooperation could we have mustered in this case? Whaat are the failures of leadership here? According to some: 

“Well, we know that the boat capsized overnight local time on Wednesday last week. We also know the Greek Coast Guard was observing the vessel for several hours before it sank. And one question is why Greek authorities didn’t immediately intervene, given how unseaworthy and overcrowded this vessel was. According to international law experts, Greek authorities had an obligation to act even if people aboard rejected assistance, which Greek authorities claimed they did.”  https://www.npr.org/2023/06/22/1183842802/migrant-boat-disaster-has-greece-and-european-authorities-facing-criticism  

We mourn with these families too. But this may only be the tip of the iceberg. Pun intended!  

To be clear, refugee and asylum issues are not just a problem on our southern border. They are not just a problem in downtown Chicago where 10,000 new immigrants have arrived this year. Centro has served 6,000 clients this fiscal year alone. 

I don’t have the solutions to the global immigration crisis. To say that I do, would be hubris on my part. But I am willing to roll up my sleeves and work.  

We also know that the migrant and immigration problems throughout the world will only get worse as a reflection of climate change. According to the Council on Foreign Relations, “Climate migration occurs when people leave their homes due to extreme weather events, including floods, heat waves, droughts, and wildfires, as well as slower-moving climate challenges such as rising seas and intensifying water stress. This form of migration is increasing because the world has not been able to reduce greenhouse gas emissions and halt global average temperature rise, which leads to more climate disasters. Most climate migration is projected to occur within a country’s borders (internal), but cross-border migration will also rise. In some instances, extremes combined with other factors, such as natural subsidence and oil and gas activities, are displacing entire communities, forcing them to find refuge in different parts of their country or journey across borders. Some researchers project that drought-driven migration in particular could triple this century if international efforts fail to address the growing climate crisis. ) https://www.cfr.org/in-brief/climate-change-fueling-migration-do-climate-migrants-have-legal-protections#:~:text=Why%20is%20climate%20migration%20on%20the%20rise%3F&text=Climate%20migration%20occurs%20when%20people,seas%20and%20intensifying%20water%20stress.   

We look to our leaders to respond to these crises with compassion and humility, like Moses. No one, fleeing climate disasters or seeking asylum for other reasons, persecution, fear of violence, poverty, etc. should meet a fate like the refugees on that boat. As the Torah suggests, we need to protect the refugee, the sojourner, strangers, as we were once refugees too.  

We’re not done yet. The Israelites contribute to complain. The very next day the whole Israelite community railed against Moses and Aaron, saying, “You two have brought death upon the Lord’s people.” And a plague began. 14700 people were lost. Plus the 250 from Korah. That’s a lot of people. A lot more death. It almost feels like current events. 

Yet, after the plague, there is an almost magical scene. G-d told Moses to tell the Israelite people to take from them a staff, one from each new chieftain. 12 staffs in all. These staffs were placed In the Tent of Meeting and as G-d said, they would begin to sprout and produce blossoms. Which is exactly what happened. New, promising growth. A sign of hope.  

Once, we were in Rocky Mountain National Park after a forest fire. It was smoky still and the trees were all charred. It looked and smelled awful. But if you looked closely, the ground of the forest was that bright green, new growth like we have here in early spring. The forest floor has the ability to begin again.  We have the ability to begin again—even after tragedy and trauma. It takes work. A lot of work. But it is possible. With leadership and a lot of work.  Come work with me. Argue if you must–for the sake of heaven and for the people.

This is two part entry, That makes it a little long. But I think hopeful.

Part One:
Friday night we hosted, together with Hadassah, Shabbat on the Road. It is a program I’ve adopted from Rabbi Ed Friedman, now in Aurora, IL. Our version goes like this. Once a month in the summer, June, July, August, we are not in our building for Friday night. We are in someone’s home or in a park. There may be instrumental music or not. There could be some yummy food, some kind of dairy potluck or food that people bring just for themselves or their family. Or not. Sometimes at the last minute we have had to cancel because of weather. Usually, we get to enjoy davenning, praying outside the way the rabbis designed the service.  

This week we were scheduled to be a park in Elgin. In a picnic shelter that has electricity. Better for that instrumental music. Near real bathrooms and a playground. The weather was perfect. Cooler in the morning, so people kept reminding me to bundle up. But the sun had come out. It was about 72 degrees out. Not too cold. Not too hot. Just right.  

Earlier in the day, the verdict came out in the Tree of Life mass shooting. Guilty on all counts. This is a good thing. But is it a security risk for a Jewish congregation out on the road? Should we be visible? What if we are singing in Hebrew? Is it too late to get a detail? Can we afford it? Can we afford not to? 

I texted my contact at the police department who handles details. She had already seen the news and even though it was her day off, she arranged for a steady stream of police squad cars to drive by the park shelter. Every single officer waved. One came and sat with us for a while. I have never felt quite so protected. It was definitely a spiritual moment.  

Rebbe Nachman of Bratzlav who I quote often says that we need be outside alone and pour out of souls to G-d. That is definitely part of my reason for running and walking. There were two other intensely spiritual moments. At Lecha Dodi, it is traditional to rise, face the door, and greet the Shabbat bride and queen. If you are outdoors, in a picnic shelter in the round, where do you face? I watched people try to figure that out. I was reminded of the verse, “The earth is the Lord and the fullness thereof.” All the world is G-d’s home.  

As I was quietly doing my personal Amidah, the central standing set of prayers, I could hear the birds sing and the children at play. Perhaps because I am in the middle of wedding season, I was reminded of the last of the sheva brachot, the seven marriage blessings that praises G-d for joy (seven words for joy!), for loving couples and youth at play.  

It was a lovely, lovely evening that could only have been better with ice cream! 

Part Two:
The teaching of Rebbe Nachman of Bratlav: 

Kol ha’olam kulo, geher tzar me’od. All the world is a narrow bridge.
V’ha’ikar, lo lefachad klal.–The important thing is to not be afraid.  

Franklin D. Roosevelt is famous for saying, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” 

Fear can be an important emotion. The fight or flight response, necessary to keep us safe, is driven by fear. This portion has a lot to teach us about fear and hope.  

When Moses sent in scouts, one member of each tribe, to spy out the land and to give an assessment, they came back with a mostly positive report. The land is a good land, flowing with milk and honey, with abundant food, grapes and pomegranates and figs. But, 10 out of 12 of the scouts were afraid. They didn’t think they could overcome the people. Only Caleb dissented. The others thought that the people were like giants, nefalim, and they appeared as grasshoppers. Now it is true the meaning of nefalim is shrouded in mystery. Perhaps giants, perhaps fallen angels, perhaps the offspring of Seth. We really don’t know. But the affect is clear. 10 out of 12 scouts did not think they could overcome them or that the Israelites would be welcome. The whole people then questioned what they were doing there at all. Perhaps it would be better to go back to Egypt.  

I want you to think for a moment about when you have been afraid. When did you feel small? Maybe as small as a grasshopper.  

Recently I learned about a museum in New York. The Museum of Failure. In it are products that never succeeded in the market. One of them is Nww Coke. Then, as you may remember, Coca Cola went back to what it called Coke Classic. The museum spotlights 159 products. Once I went to a conference on Intellectual Property. Many universities actually have IP offices. I heard the director of the MIT office tell the workshop that they expect students and professors to fail. It is a necessary component to getting a new product from the R&D stage to being a successful product. But what if they had been afraid to try at all? No lightbulbs. No phones. (or cell phones!) No cars. No maple syrup. Who was the brave person who first tried that? Fear could have prevented many of our “advancements.” 

After a rather intense argument between Moses and G-d, Moses arguing on behalf of this stiffnecked, sttubborn, kvetching people and G-d forgives them. The people march on. That defense of the people and plea becomes the basis of much of our High Holy Day liturgy. Moses reminds G-d of G-’d essential nature—to be merciful, full of lovingkindnesss and truth,, slow to anger, and forgiving. G-d then tells Moses that G-d has forgiven them according to his word.  

But what was the sin?  What had the people done wrong? Why was G-d so angry? Perhaps it was the fear that would prevent the Israelites from moving forward. Perhaps it was not trusting G-d. Perhaps it was the kventching, the constant complaining that the Israelites seem to do. Perhaps it was all of it.  

We often joke about how the Israelite kvetch. How we kvetch. And we do. In our families. In our communities. Even right here at CKI. Maybe that kvetching comes out of fear.   

Imagine what our households would look like if we just stopped kvetching. Or our communities. This community. Maybe this shoukd be a kvetch free zone. There are plenty of memes that will tell you to stop complaining. Just google etsy or pinterest. But what is really going on? In order to stop complaining, it is helpful to understand the underlying causes. It maybe the fear.  

If we look at complaining as the misfired expression of a wish, there are three sources where it can come from: a desire for control, a need for validation or sympathy, a fear of managing a problem directly,  

What are the wishes we have? What are preventing them? 

It is our job then to motivate people. I found these suggestions helpful: 

“Ask the person what things would look like if the situation became better for them. Encourage them to describe their ideal outcome and think of three things they could do to make that happen—if they are willing, of course. Have them create an action plan and let you know how this plan works for them.” 

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-it-means-when-someone-cant-stop-complaining  

There are a number of things that we all might be afraid of these days. Instead of kvetching, I try to do something about it, whatever it is. Rising anti-semitism. I show up, and try to be loud and proud. I know that is what Myrna did. After the Tree of Life massacre, she found CKI and has stayed. And we are grateful she has! I think of that today, since the verdict came out guilty on all counts yesterday. Increasing gun violence? Advocate for more mental health services and some kind of gun law reform. Trash around a neighborhood park? Pick it up. (And then wash your hands!) Climate issues and these increasingly violent storms? Learn what really causes climate change and what we can do about it. Healthcare issues? Keep advocating for healthcare for all.  

Does it work? Not always. Here’s my kvetch. Some of the issues I have worked on for decades seem to be worse or worsening.  

Chuck pointed out something during Torah study that I had missed. Probably because we read the triennial cycle. Later in the full portion we are instructed about tzitzit. We have short memories. We go back to kvetching quickly. So G-d gives us a tool. A memory device: 

“Speak to the Israelite people and instruct them to make for themselves fringes on the corners of their garments throughout the ages; let them attach a cord of blue to the fringe at each corner. That shall be your fringe; look at it and recall all the commandments of יהוה and observe them, so that you do not follow your heart and eyes in your lustful urge. Thus you shall be reminded to observe all My commandments and to be holy to your God. I יהוה am your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt to be your God: I, your God יהוה.” (Numbers 15:38-41) 

Why this thread? Why now in the storyline? It is to remind us of what Adonai did for us when we went forth from Egypt. Leading us out. Parting the sea. Giving us Torah. Giving us manna and water in the wilderness. So easily we forget. So easily we are afraid and then we kvetch. It would be better to go back to Egypt, right?  

There are two schemas that I know of for tying tzitzit. One is so that the knots equal 613, the number of commandments in Torah. The other so that the twists and turns equal the numerical value of Yod (10) Hay (5) Vuv (6) Hay (5). Either way, even today, when you look on the tzitzit, the original Jewish macrame, you remember G-d and the commandments. It is like tying a thread on your finger to remember to buy milk on your way home. 

One way to combat fear is with hope, Even if that hope is just a thin thread. 

A thread plays an important role in the haftarah as well. A crimson cord is used as a signal of safety. Rahab, the non-Israelite whore, is responsible for rescuing the Israelite spies, entering into an oath with them and tying that crimson cord on the window. She, as an ally, an unlikely one at that, gives me hope and lessens my fear. 

That string, tivkat choot, may have the same root as hope, I first learned of this connection from Wendy McFadden in my adult Hebrew class. She is the director of publications at the General Offices of the Church of the Brethren and a scholar in her own right. I always learn from her. This gives me hope too.  

Many of us are undergoing medical procedures. I have always liked the last verse of Adon Olam. It was Dan’s calming mechanism if he had to have an MRI. I have sung it at any number of patient bedsides and watched as blood pressures fell. Last night we sang the Craig Taubman version which was Dan’s favorite: 

B’yado afkid ruchi
B’eit ishan ve’a’i’rah

Ve’im ruchi geviati
Adonai li v’lo irah

Ve’im ruchi geviati
Adonai li v’lo irah

[Verse 2]
My soul I give to you
My spirit in your care

Draw me near
I shall not fear
Hold me in your hands 

Into Your hands I place my spirit. When I sleep and when I wake, I will have no fear. G-d with me and I will not fear.  

Rabbi Jennifer Singer taught this week: “As I remind myself, I am remembering to remind you too – to be brave in the face of the unknown, to be brave when fear holds you back, to be brave because you know that what is right must be spoken, must be supported. Be brave.” I’ll add. Remember, you are never alone. G-d neither slumbers nor sleeps. G-d walks with you. This gives me courage and reduces my fear.  

There is an old series of commercials for Motel Six that ends ”We’ll leave the lights on.” In truth, it would be fair to say that Motel Six is not my favorite hotel chain, but the commercials were charming and I always wanted to like them. There is something about light that is welcoming, warm and inviting.  

Today’s portion is called B’ha’alotecha. Which Eiz Chayim translates as “When you mount” but really is more like “When you raise up.” It is from the same root as aliyah, to go up. The same word we use for coming up to say the Torah blessings or going up to Jerusalem. When you move to Israel, you make aliyah. It is a spiritual raising up. 

There is something about light that is spiritually nourishing. When the Israelites were wandering in the desert, they had a pillar of smoke to lead them by day and a pilar of fire to lead them by night. Here we learn that somehow G-d is present when we leave the light on. And this light is supposed to be lit for all time. It is a Ner Tamid, an Eternal Light. What we learn from this portion is that while Aaron raised up the light, it is all of our responsibility to keep the light on.  

Recently someone noticed that our own Ner Tamid had gone out. Despite it being an LED bulb it had simply gone out. I am glad that he had noticed, and we quickly replaced it the next day. That “we” is really the royal we, I didn’t do it. I told Gene it was out and Gene did. It takes a village. Each of us, here at CKI has a job to do to keep the lights on.  

 This portion has a lot to say about leadership and community.  

 It seems so appropriate that we had our Board Induction last night.  

Rabbi Lord Sacks said of this portion: 

“There have been times when one passage in this week’s parsha was, for me, little less than lifesaving. No leadership position is easy. Leading Jews is harder still. And spiritual leadership can be hardest of them all. Leaders have a public face that is usually calm, upbeat, optimistic, and relaxed. But behind the façade we can all experience storms of emotion as we realise how deep are the divisions between people, how intractable are the problems we face, and how thin the ice on which we stand. Perhaps we all experience such moments at some point in our lives, when we know where we are and where we want to be, but simply cannot see a route from here to there. That is the prelude to despair.”  

Despair is all too common these days. There are any number of reasons people feel despair and hopelessness. As our elected officials all know, I argue for more funding for more mental health services in every encounter I have with them. Yet, there is still a stigma for seeking help for mental illness or for announcing you have one. It is part of why I proudly say that I have a therapist. I am hoping I am role modeling something for the rest of you. 

But mental health services alone are not enough. There is a spiritual malaise that is sometimes palpable. Throughout the centuries, Judaism has provided answers to this problem. 

Perhaps, like the prayer that we say at the beginning of the services which says that G-d is the Ultimate Healer, G-d is also the Ultimate Therapist. Perhaps that is why Rabbi Nachman suggests we should be outside every day and pour out our souls to G-d.  

Perhaps that is why it takes the whole community to light the lights and keep them going. Light dispels darkness. Dispels hopelessness. “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu 

Perhaps, then it is our job as leaders of a spiritual community to provide a sense of hope and optimism.  

The message that this portion is giving us is profound. As Sacks says, “Judaism is not a recipe for blandness or bliss. It is not a guarantee that you will be spared heartache and pain. It is not what the Stoics sought, apatheia, a life undisturbed by passion. Nor is it a path to nirvana, stilling the fires of feeling by extinguishing the self. These things have a spiritual beauty of their own, and their counterparts can be found in the more mystical strands of Judaism. But they are not the world of the heroes and heroines of Tanach.” 

No, he is right. But like Kushner taught in his book, even with the title, is is what we do when bad things happen, because they will, not why do bad things happen. The challenge to a community, then is to help people cope with the tragedies and trauma.  

Sacks continues: “Why so? Because Judaism is a faith for those who seek to change the world. That is unusual in the history of faith. Most religions are about accepting the world the way it is. Judaism is a protest against the world that is in the name of the world that ought to be. To be a Jew is to seek to make a difference, to change lives for the better, to heal some of the scars of our fractured world. But people don’t like change. That’s why Moses, David, Elijah, and Jeremiah found life so hard. 

Sacks is correct again. People don’t like change. And yet we know that we are on the cusp of major changes to the Jewish community and community at large. This has been happening even before the pandemic but exacerbated by it. We don’t yet know what this change will ultimately look like. I think of the song we sing on Shabbat morning, “Or chadash…Cause a new light to illumine Zion.” What will that light look like? What will Judaism be for the next several generations? It is not that people don’t want to be engaged, involved, invested. But they want to do it differently. That’s why I gave all the board members a new book to read over the summer. Judaism Disrupted: A Spiritual Manifesto for the 21st Century. Maybe we will treat it like a “One Community, One Read” book and have everyone read it. Please do and give me, as your spiritual leader, your thoughts. What we build at CKI is for you! 

Sacks continues: “The Torah is giving us a remarkable account of the psychodynamics of emotional crisis. The first thing it is telling us is that it is important, in the midst of despair, not to be alone. God performs the role of comforter. It is He who lifts Moses from the pit of despair. He speaks directly to Moses’ concerns. He tells him he will not have to lead alone in the future. There will be others to help him. Then He tells him not to be anxious about the people’s complaint. They would soon have so much meat that it would make them ill, and they would not complain about the food again. 

The essential principle here is what the Sages meant when they said, “A prisoner cannot release himself from prison.” (Brachot 5b) It needs someone else to lift you from depression. That is why Judaism is so insistent on not leaving people alone at times of maximum vulnerability. Hence the principles of visiting the sick, comforting mourners, including the lonely (“the stranger, the orphan and the widow”) in festive celebrations, and offering hospitality – an act said to be “greater than receiving the Shechinah.” Precisely because depression isolates you from others, remaining alone intensifies the despair. What the seventy elders actually did to help Moses is unclear. But simply being there with him was part of the cure.” 

Our job is to accompany people in their darkest hours, whether that is acknowledging their physical limitations and health or their mental health. Sometimes it is hard to know just what to do. We know how to visit the sick, comfort mourners and join in festive celebrations. I am glad that the CKI Cares Team is revamping so that we can expand our connections because that is really what community is all about. 

Later in the parsha, after Aaron and Miriam challenge Moses’s leadership and after Miriam is struck with some kind of skin disease, Moses prays for his sister, “El na refana La. Please G-d heal her.” The research is clear. When people know that others are praying for them, they heal faster. They feel connected to a community, even if they are isolated. Miriam was outside the camp for seven days and then brought back inside the camp. That is a metaphor for community. Sometimes that integration is smooth and sometimes it is more difficult.  

It can be hard to be a leader. You may even think yourself as a failure. You join good company, as Moses thought he was a failure. But you don’t have to go it alone. The message of today’s portion is that we raise the lights together. As community.  

Sacks in another d’var Torah said, there are two ways to live in a world that is often dark and full of tears. We can curse the darkness or we can light a light and as the chasidim say, a little light drives out a lot of darkness.” 

Come light the lights with me. Raise those lights! 

Last night I went to see a movie, Crescendo, part of the Violins of Hope Project co-sponsored by Congregation Kneseth Israel, Gail Borden Public Library, Elgin Symphony Orchestra, Chamber Music on the Fox and JCC Chicago, After the movie the EYSO Hansen String Quartet played a very complicated Shostakovich piece. 

The movie, too, is complex and it felt like it represented my entire rabbinate, my entire life. The premise is a world-renowned German conductor takes on a challenge to have a youth Israeli-Palestinian symphony perform a peace concert. Sounds simple, no?

He auditions various musicians and the rehearsals begin. He chooses the Palestinian girl violinist as concertmaster, angering some musicians from Tel Aviv. 

He brings them all to Germany to a manse to rehearse. It does not go well. And then it does. Maybe.

There is much in the movie about generational hate. Jews who are children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors not wanting to be in Germany. Palestinians who were displaced by Israelis. Israelis whose relatives were killed by Palestinian terrorists. Palestinians who can’t get through Israeli checkpoints. There is much hate and mistrust to go around.

My rabbinic thesis was written about intergenerational trauma, sins if you will, based on the 13 Attributes of the Divine. Are there some sins that carry on to the third and fourth generation? Can you interrupt these trends? I examined domestic violence, German-Jewish relations and the Israeli Palestinian conflict. 

At some point I took a class run by Abraham’s Vision, an organization dedicated to breaking the cycle of violence. It was an important class and I can’t find my syllabus or my notes. Not terribly surprising, Probably 15 years and four moves later, they are undoubtedly in an unmarked box in the basement.

Let’s be clear. My first finance was killed by a terrorist bomb during the incursion into Lebanon. His parents were Holocaust survivors. They lost their only child to new violence. Since then I have actively worked for peace. With organizations like Parents Circle and Abraham’s Vision. Like Rabbis for Human Rights and T’ruah. Habitat for Humanity. American Jewish World Service. The list goes on. It has been my life’s work.

And I worked in Germany. For 6 years I consulted with SAP, the German software company. And because I had to be in Germany during the High Holy Days, one of the highlights of my career was being a High Holy Day rabbi in Hamln, Germany. 

While at SAP there were many late nights talking over beers about German reconciliation. The SAP managers were aghast at what their families had done in a previous generation. They worked extensively for peace. Notably with Afghanistan. They were welcoming of people like me. And at one stage I thought maybe the business world would lead the way towards a better world. Imagine a rabbinical student, a guy from Jordan and a bunch of Germans sitting in a New York office trying to figure out how to reverse engineer a piece of software. Everything seemed possible. Or a newly converted Orthodox Jew and the guy from Jordan figuring out what they could eat for lunch at a board retreat in Germany. 

You will have to watch the movie to see how it turns out. It doesn’t end the way you would expect. (Gail Borden Public Library has it on their canopy selections!)

Throughout the Violins of Hope project I have been thinking about an article we read during that class from Abraham’s Vision. It talked about whether an exposure to or an immersion with another culture was really effective. Could people really stop being afraid of the other> Could it really change the nature of peace work? The jury was out. If you go to a summer camp experience at something like Seeds of Peace and everything seems OK, what happens when you get back to your regular, segregated lives in Israel? What kind of follow up do you need to prolong the experience and truly make it fruitful?

Dara Horn in the Atlantic recently had an article about whether Holocaust education actually helps break down anti-semitism. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2023/05/holocaust-student-education-jewish-anti-semitism/673488/

It is a critical question in this time of rising anti-semitism. If classes are mandated to teach Holocaust, and then kids get bullied after reading the Boy in the Striped Pajamas, are we really ahead. 

What writing my thesis taught me, is that it is possible to interrupt the cycle of violence. However, in order for it to work, people, on both sides need to have a sense of safety. You cannot make peace with a domestic violence perpetrator, if you are afraid you will be beaten again. You cannot reconcile with the next generation of Germans if you feel that this new generation is going to commit the atrocities of the Nazis again. 

One Sunday morning in my hotel in Waldolf near the SAP headquarters I was watching CNN (it was the only channel I understood!) and working on my thesis. Israel had just mistakenly bombed an apartment building in Lebanon. It happens, sadly. A young parent was clutching a 3 month old and explaining that it will be 20 years before anyone forgets. 20 years, a whole generation before anyone feels safe. It was a startling story.

I have staked my rabbinate, and my life on doing exactly that. I have been involved in Interfaith Dialogue since college. If they know Jews, they won’t hurt us, right? I have been president of the Greater Lowell Interfaith Leadership Alliance, and am now the co-president of the Coalition of Elgin Religious Leaders. I have opened our building for things like OpenElgin or a class that just wants to understand more about Judaism. That list goes on and on, too.

But what if I am wrong? After watching last night’s movie, I don’t think so. There has to be a place for things like a Israeli-Palestinian Youth Orchestra, or the group we met doing an Israeli-Arab theater or Seeds of Peace or Abraham’s Vision. 

There is a place for organizations like the Anti-defamation League to break down prejudice, to loudly proclaim there is not place for hate and to work to prevent those rising hate crimes.

But part of it does begin by bringing people together. To really see that we are all created ‘b’tzelim elohim, in the image of G-d.” That we all want that sense of safety and security. Because what I learned in writing that thesis, is that generational sins continue if there is not safety. I pray for a day when all will sit under their vines and fig trees and none will make them afraid. This line from Micah is one that George Washington quoted to the Jewish community of Newport, RI. But I have also learned that it is not enough to pray, we must pursue peace, actively run after it, work for it. I pray that we do this work speedily, so that little girl in Lebanon and the little boy in Tel Aviv and the ones in Elgin and the surrounding arear do not have to live in fear. 

This is the longest portion of the entire Torah at a 176 verses. Here at CKI we read thr triennial cycle and this year we are in year one.  

Our portion begins with a census. This census is a little different than the censuses that we saw in Leviticus. This one counts men between 30 and 50, men of working age, those in the service of God, in the mishkan, the sanctuary. Each of them had a personal responsibility to carry out the duties that were uniquely assigned to them that would quite literally move the mishkan forward in the service of G-d.  

Now service is an interesting word—the root avodah can mean work, worship or service. The Israelites were slaves, avodim and Moses was an aved Adonai, a servant of G-d. All the same root. Everyone counts—at least between 30 and 50 and male. Everyone has a job to do. Each of us may have a unique role to play, a calling if you will, something only you can do. It takes all of us, pulling together for the good of everyone to make this world a better place. What is your unique role? 

However, fairly quickly in this long portion, the tone switches and we are told that Moses is to instruct the people to “remove from camp anyone with an eruption or a discharge and anyone defiled by a corpse. Remove male and female alike; put them outside the camp so that they do not defile the camp of those in whose midst I dwell.” (Numbers 5:1-4) 

Not just men, this time but men and women, anyone who has come in contact with fluid that might be dangerous or with a corpse. There seems to be an underlying fear of some sort of contagion. 

We have just lived through such a period. Remember washing down groceries for fear of coming in contact with a contagion that might be dangerous, even deadly?  Remember locking nursing homes down and not letting people in or out of the camp, so to speak. There were other steps as well that we all took to minimize risk to our communities. Some of those were driven by fear. 

This weekend we have another blood drive at CKI. Blood is also something the ancients feared. However, we were told unequivocally we were not to stand idly by while our neighbor bleeds. We have a responsibility to save lives. And yet, there are plenty of people who are afraid of blood. The fear can be real.  

Not everyone can donate blood depending on some of their own underlying medical conditions. I am permanently off the donor list. And there is a real need to keep the blood supply safe. My own cousin back in the 1980s wound up with hepatitis because of some tainted blood received at the world class Boston Children’s Hospital during surgery to repair a hole in his heart. We didn’t know yet how to test blood adequately. Testing of blood for contamination has gotten so, so much better. And it continues to improve again and again as we learn more and more. Luckily, the hepatitis was discovered when he was graduating high school and about to begin college. He had one very difficult freshman year, and he is fine now.   

Many Americans will need blood at some point in their life time. The statistic is a mind-numbing, one out of three, for all sorts of reasons including natural disasters to unforeseen catastrophes, emergency hospital procedures to life-long battles with chronic diseases such as sickle cell, so the demand for blood is constant. Therefore, the donation and collection of blood is critically important. It literally saves lives. On average for every pint collected, we save three lives. The Talmud teaches us that to save one life is to save the world. This sentiment is repeated as well in the Koran. Here is your chance! 

I was lucky last year, After the bone marrow transplant, I only needed one unit. Other people, right here at CKI are not so fortunate, and I know of two who recently needed blood and one more who might this week. But we don’t host blood drives merely for ourselves. We host blood drives to live out those verses, “Don’t stand idly by while your neighbor bleeds.” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 

This weekend is we mark National Gun Violence Awareness Day. Based on the tragic story of Hadiya Pendeton, a young Chicagoan of much promise.  On January 21, 2013, Hadiya Pendleton marched in President Obama’s second inaugural parade. One week later, Hadiya was shot and killed on a playground in Chicago. Soon after this tragedy, Hadiya’s friends commemorated her life by wearing orange, the color hunters wear in the woods to protect themselves and others. Now I have cousins who are hunters. Cousins who own guns. In Michigan you actually get the first day of deer season off. I spent many a fall Girl Scout camping trip wearing orange. This orange is different. And the orange I am wearing today is a rainbow of color.  

Wear Orange is now observed every June. It happens to fall this weekend. Thousands of people wear the color orange to honor Hadiya and the more than 43,000 Americans are killed with guns and approximately 76,000 more are shot and wounded every year. https://wearorange.org/  

Our tradition teaches us to not stand idly by while our neighbor bleeds. Wearing orange is one way to talk about the ongoing tragedy of gun violence in this country. I have been an outspoken advocate against gun violence, having been a victim of gun violence in the early 1980s. I have stood at rallies, and vigils, as long as I can remember. But thoughts and prayers do not necessarily help. Rabbi Mark Asher Goodman said on Twitter that “in Judaism, if you say a prayer over something, then fail to do the requisite action that follows, like blessing bread and not eating it, it’s a bracha levatla — which is a sinful act.” He continued about gun violence: “If you pray for victims of gun violence but do nothing, it is a sinful act.” Bracha levatla is sometimes translated “blessing in vain.” 

So how do we solve this: 

 Another way to help is to support an organization called, “Don’t Stand Idly By” started by a Chicago rabbi (now in New York) who lost his own father to gun violence in Chicago. This organization advocates for smart gun technology that would help eliminate some of the tragic deaths. The Fox Valley Imitative has partnered with them in years past. The mayor, the city manager and the Kane County Sherriff have all signed on in years past. There are other ways to help. Call your elected officials. Advocate for more mental health services.Take a Stop the Bleed class. Give blood. Make your voices count! 

This weekend many congregations are marking Pride Shabbat as part of Pride Month. The City of Elgin is hosting its first Pride parade right now. The first one was actually scheduled for June of 2020 but was cancelled due to COVID-19. Many of the local congregations we partner with are marching, however, it conflicts with our own service. That’s a discussion for another time. Wander over to Festival Park and see what is going on. You can walk from here. You don’t have to spend any money. It can be within your normative Shabbat observance. Bring a water bottle, however. It’s hot! 

Sometimes, the LGBTQ+ community is put outside the camp, just like we read about in today’s portion. Sometimes, that is based on fear of the other. Sometimes it is based on a mistranslation of a verse in Leviticus. That too is a discussion for another time.  

 There was a time when African American blood was segregated. According to the Red Cross’s own website: “In 1942, the Red Cross made the regrettable decision to segregate blood based on race, accommodating cultural norms of the time rather than relying on scientifically based facts—resulting in civil rights organizations boycotting the Red Cross and blood donation.” They continues, “However, as the science of blood continued to evolve, we learned that there are some markers in black blood that makes it even more compatible for other African Americans and collecting blood in the African American community has become a priority for the Red Cross.” https://www.redcross.org/about-us/news-and-events/press-release/2021/the-color-of-blood–red-cross-reflects-on-its-blood-collection-hiistory.html 

There was a time when gay men could not give blood. Period. It was based on a fear of the other. Fear of spreading AIDS in the blood system. Remember when people weren’t even sure you could swim with someone with AIDS or go to school with them. Gay men were not the only possible carriers. Also hemophiliacs. It was a scary time.  

However, in December 2015, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) moved from a lifetime ban on gay and bisexual men donating blood to a deferral of one year for any man who has had sex with another man during the past 12 months. According to the FDA, this pre-screening eliminated up to 90 percent of donors who may be carrying a blood-borne disease.   

Then again in April of 2020, the FDA tweaked the rules again, announcing that it would update its policy for gay males to a deferral from 12 months to three months.  

But wait, there’s more news. Just last month, May 2023, the FDA has updated the policy once again.  

Yesterday I called our coordinator and asked, “Wouldn’t this be a good way to mark Pride Month. We have a number of supporters of CKI who have been waiting for just this kind of announcement.” He said he would find out. 

Sadly, the new rules will not be in effect to January of 2024. And for my gay friends, this still feels like they are outside the camp. They don’t yet count fully.  

 Let me be clear, asking this question is part of allyship. The ongoing violence against the LGBTQ+ community it all too real. It is not unlike the rise in anti-semitism and hate crimes against the Jewish community. Sometimes it is even driven by the same fear.  

It is not enough to say during Pride Month that “love is love is love.” Which is important. This congregation is an open and affirming congregation, the marriage equality logo is on our website and we do have a number of people in the congregation that represent the spectrum of the LGBTQ+ community.  

For some, this entire conversation may make you uncomfortable. That’s OK. Let’s talk about it. Civilly. Let’s learn more, together. 

Our portion, in its full version, includes one of the most beautiful passages in all of scripture. Called thr Birkat haCohanim, the Priestly benediction, it was a blessing the priests offered all the people. Today we use it on Friday nights to bless our children. We use it at B-Mitzvah celebrations and weddings. It is part of the musaf service. And as we just saw it is part of an aufruf, when we shower a wedding couple with blessings and candy, so that their marriage will be sweet!  

The first line is Yiverecha v’yishmarecha. May the Lord bless and keep you, guard you and protect you. All of you. Those in the camp and out of the camp. To use a line from the U-46 Mission Statement, where I once spoke about transgender issues, “All means all.”  

Please rise for a special birkta hacohanim: 

“May God bless you and protect you, guard you and watch over you.!  

May light of G-d God shine upon you and be gracious to you!  

May God lift up God’s face to you and grant you peace!” Num. 6:22-27 

May we find a way to live out this blessing. Sharing G-d’s light and love. Finding wholeness and completeness. And making our lives, all of our lives count.  You matter. You are loved. Period.

Our potion today includes this sentence:
“Bear in mind that you were slaves in Egypt, and take care to obey these laws.” (Deut 16:12) 

But the word for “bear in mind” is really remember, zachor.

“Three times a year—on the Feast of Unleavened Bread, on the Feast of Weeks, (which is today), and on the Feast of Booths—all your males shall appear before your God יהוה in the place that [God] will choose. They shall not appear before יהוה empty-handed,” (Deut 16:16) 

Zachor. Remember. Three times a year we should remember, and we should go up. These are pilgrimage festivals: Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot and during them we remember. We remember those that came before. We remember our history. We remember. 

This weekend Is also Memorial Day. A day set aside to remember those who gave “the ultimate sacrifice.” One of the most touching things I saw on TV this week was a bi-partisan group of congressmen (and women), cleaning the Vietnam Memorial lovingly by hand. Bluff City Cemetery makes sure that each grave of a service member is decorated with an American flag. It is touching and beautiful. Happen over on Monday. I’;ll be wearing my Memorial Day shirt on Monday that says, “Keep American Beautiful. Plant a Tree, Be Kind to Nature. Conserve Energy. Volunteer.” We need to remember all of our service men (and women) who gave their lives so that all of us may be free. While this may be the unofficial start of summer and I urge all of you to have fun, but also be safe, we also need to remember the huge cost that we pay, some families more than others. I am always reminded by the song Empty Chairs at Empty Tables from Les Miserables: 

There’s a grief that can’t be spoken
There’s a pain goes on and on
Empty chairs at empty tables
Now my friends are dead and gone 

Here they talked of revolution
Here it was they lit the flame
Here they sang about tomorrow
And tomorrow never came 

From the table in the corner
They could see a world reborn
And they rose with voices ringing
And I can hear them now! 

The very words that they had sung
Became their last communion
On this lonely barricade
At dawn 

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone
There’s a grief that can’t be spoken
There’s a pain goes on and on 

Phantom faces at the window
Phantom shadows on the floor
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more 

Oh my friends, my friends
Don’t ask me what your sacrifice was for
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will sing no more 

Les Miserables 

Judaism has lots to do with memory. The 10 Commandments, which we just read again last night commands us: “Remember the Sabbath Day and keep it holy.” As part of Kiddush, we remember the Exodus from Egypt and Creation when we sanctify Shabbat. We remember the commandments when we look upon the tztizit. We remember our patriarchs, and the matriarchs when we say the Amidah. We remember not to forget Amalek. We remember that we were slaves in Egypt so we need to take care of the widow, the orphan, the sojourner. 36 times. Several times in today’s portion alone.  

But why, why all this focus on memory? 

Memory plays an important role in grief. According to Psychology Today: 

• Memorializing loved ones who have passed is a way of exploring meaning and authenticates our part in the mourning process. 
• Memorializing allows us to galvanize relationships, sustain connections, and to recognize and honor those who have had a part in our lives. 
• How we grieve death depends on various factors, such as the nature of the relationship, circumstances, personality traits and more. 
• Grief is a testament of human resilience and we can emerge and grow from it. 

I think that is part of why the rabbis mandated that at each of our pilgrimage festivals we say yizkor, prayers of remembrance, which we will do shortly. At each of our happiest times, we pause to remember those who cannot be here to celebrate with us. There are many interpretations of why we smash a glass at a wedding. We may still be mourning, remembering the destruction of the Temples in Jerusalem. Or we may be mourning, missing those people who cannot be here. Our world seems shattered. Acknowledging those losses and griefs helps us be resilient. It is a powerful reminder of the elephant in the room, so to speak.  

There are often positive memories that we think about at times like this. Yesterday, while out for my dawn Shavuot walk, the fragrance of lilacs was palpable. I always associate lilacs with my aunt, whose yahrzeit is today. There are smells, tastes, sounds, textures that we remember. Perhaps you remember a certain cologne, or a special recipe—the taste and the fragrance of the sticky buns or the deviled eggs or the chicken soup.  Maybe it is a piece of music that your person loved that is evocative. A certain piece of clothing, a scratchy wool scarf or sweater. Something knitted just for you. Maybe it is a place, a beach, a mountain, a monument. Maybe you feel close to them at the grave. Maybe you hear a snippet of a conversation with your loved one in your head. Or you remember exactly what they would have said at a time like this.  All of these examples are examples of nostalgia and can be healthy. And maybe you wonder how you can possibly survive without them. Peter Paul and Mary wondered too as they sang, Sweet Survivor:  

You have asked me why the days fly by so quickly
And why each one feels no different from the last
And you say that you are fearful for the future
And you have grown suspicious of the past
And you wonder if the dreams we shared together
Have abandoned us or we abandoned them
And you cast about and try to find new meaning
So that you can feel that closeness once again. 

Carry on my sweet survivor, carry on my lonely friend
Don’t give up on the dream, and don’t you let it end.
Carry on my sweet survivor,
Though you know that something’s gone
For everything that matters carry on. 

You remember when you felt each person mattered
When we all had to care or all was lost
But now you see believers turn to cynics
And you wonder was the struggle worth the cost
Then you see someone too young to know the difference
And a veil of isolation in their eyes
And inside you know you’ve got to leave them something
Or the hope for something better slowly dies.
Peter Paul and Mary 

The rabbis understood grief and memory. They knew that remembering someone helps heal. That seven days of shiva, of not being responsible for your regular day-to-day tasks helps ease someone back into the normal routine. That during the shloshim period, the 30 days, the grief is a little less sharp and that by the first yahrzeit even less so. We remember our loved ones every year. They understood the role of the community, in coming together to support someone going through grief. The stories, the meals, the quiet sitting with someone. That’s part of why we need a minyan to say kaddish. 

But sometimes there is complex grief. Grief that just will not abate, for whatever reason. Perhaps the death was sudden and totally unexpected. Perhaps the person was young—a child, a young parent. Perhaps there was violence involved. Perhaps it happened in the middle of a pandemic, where all our mourning and grieving customs seemed to change. For complex grief we may need professional help. There are people who specialize in grief counseling. I particularly like Fox Valley Hands of Hope, and refer people to them often. Based in Geneva and run by Jonathan Shively, it offers free counseling and support. JCFS has grief support groups. Compassionate Friends have groups designed to help families with the loss of a child.  

We keep memory alive. We keep people alive by remembering. Peter Paul and Mary in the Chanukah song written by Peter Yarrow captures it so well: 

What is the memory that’s valued so highly
That we keep it alive in that flame?
What’s the commitment to those who have died
That we cry out they’ve not died in vain?
We have come this far always believing
That justice would somehow prevail
This is the burden, this is the promise
This is why we will not fail! 

Don’t let the light go out!
Don’t let the light go out!
Don’t let the light go out! 

We won’t let the light go out as we remember.  

Reading Before Kaddish: 

THE YOUNG DEAD SOLDIERS DO NOT SPEAK
Nevertheless they are heard in the still houses: who has not heard them?
They have a silence that speaks for them at night and when the clock counts.
They say, We were young. We have died. Remember us.
They say, We have done what we could but until it is finished it is not done.
They say, We have given our lives but until it is finished no one can know what our lives gave.
They say, Our deaths are not ours: they are yours: they will mean what you make them.
They say, Whether our lives and our deaths were for peace and a new hope or for nothing we cannot say: it is you who must say this.
They say, We leave you our deaths: give them their meaning: give them an end to the war and a true peace: give them a victory that ends the war and a peace afterwards: give them their meaning.
We were young, they say. We have died. Remember us.
Arcihibald MacLeish