It’s Thanksgiving weekend, and we have much to be thankful for. One of the things I am thankful for is our patriarchs and matriarchs because in this week’s Torah portion they are so real—and they teach us something about how to live during this holiday season.

Last night I spoke a little bit about Hamakom, The Place. Another name for the Divine. Jacob in this week’s parsha uses the term over and over again to describe a place which was filled with the divine presence which at first he didn’t recognize. “Surely God was in this place and I knew it not.”

This is the name we use when we greet mourners, “May the Place, G-d comfort you among all the mourners in Zion.” Rabbi David Paskin who his two year old daughter to a brain tumor asked why we call God the Place. Why not the Compassionate One? Or the Comforter? Or the Peaceful One? His answer to that question is a beautiful song that he sang at new CAJE in Boston.

He realized that when you lose a loved one all you have left is a space, a big old emptiness. And we don’t like spaces, they are difficult so we try to fill it—usually with all the wrong things, like the deli platters. That space, that very place that hurts so much, may that emptiness become a source of comfort. May you learn to live with it and go into it and come back out of it and go back into it. Listen to him tell the story and sing his song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEETpwpt2LM

Cantor Jeff Klepper wrote another song about opening our eyes and being aware of God’s presence. He contrasted his song with the thunderous proclamation of the Oneness of God from his youth. “It is different today, reflective of a shift in the way we think about, and talk to, God. For many of us, God becomes present for us in our smiles, hugs, and tears, in the deeds of kindness we do for each other. So, instead of rising and triumphantly proclaiming God’s universal Oneness, we find it more meaningful to cover our eyes while chanting softly, searching for the God who is within our souls.”
“Open up our eyes, teach us how to live,
Fill our hearts with joy and all the love You have to give.
Gather us in peace as You lead us to Your Name,
And we will know that You are One. “

Still another song adds this to our understanding of this idea of Hamakom,
Makom shehlibi ohev (3) Shamraglae malichot oti.
The place that my heart holds dear (3) There my feet will bring me near.

God can be present in a place, with us wherever we go, whether we can recognize it or not, whether our pillow is rock in the wilderness or king sized bed with satin sheets, whether we live in an apartment, a condo, a house or in a palace. God is in this very place, a place we call holy and in our homes, what we call a little temple, a mikdash me’at. According to the Talmud (Megilah 29a ) God will dwell in the holy spaces we create. God is present with us on our way, when we live down and when we rise up. God is the Place. It is an expansive concept.

But back to our story. Pick up any women’s magazine or turn on any news program and there will be articles about how to cope with going home and how to manage the stress of the holidays. That is precisely what this week’s Torah portion is about. After twenty years Jacob decides he is ready to go home to Isaac. It has been long enough and he hopes that tempers have cooled. He is not afraid that Esau wants to kill him any more. He has amassed enough wealth—and wives and children that he hopes maybe his father will be proud of him. He sets off—but does not tell his father-in-law. Still a little sneaky this Jacob whose very name means heal or sneak. He sneaks off in the night afraid that Laban won’t let him go—or that he will take his daughters back by force.

Rachel is afraid too. Unbeknownst to Jacob, she steals her father’s idols so that they will be protected on their journey. Monotheism comes hard, even to our matriarchs. She wasn’t taking any chances. How many of us have a good luck charm? A rabbit’s foot or a something hanging from our rear view mirror that guarantees our safety. Or you’ve passed along the chain emails saying that if you do great things will happen to you and if you don’t horrible things will? How many of you have special routines that you have developed for watching sporting events? I now have a University of Michigan gnome sitting by our TV hoping to ensure a Michigan victory. It is very similar to what Rachel did.

Their fear of returning home again was real. But they haven’t read the women’s magazines. Stealing the idols—not such a good idea, and while in today’s parsha she manages to still hide them from Jacob and then Laban her father, it costs her in the long run. Jacob put his women and children ahead of himself, then his flocks. He goes last thinking that if Esau is still mad won’t attack them. We have to wait until next week to see how that plays out but we can still see that kind of military strategy in this week’s news. Why would anyone use children as human shields?

Since this is Thanksgiving weekend, and Chanukah and the other holidays of December are not far behind, how do we cope with going home again? I hope that Thomas Wolfe wasn’t right with the title of his book, “You can’t go home again” Oprah’s magazine, in a humorous article by Martha Beck, has five strategies for surviving a dysfunctional family. And Jacob’s family was certainly dysfunctional.

Strategy #1: Give Up Hope
Many of us have expectations of the perfect holiday, with perfectly behaved relatives who would listen openly, communicate honestly and agree with us on all significant issues. Oh, and as Beck says, offer us money. That would be perfect. She recommends taking a few minutes to sit quietly (Jacob does exactly this in next week’s parsha) and acknowledge what you wish they were like. Then prepare to accept them as they are, you may be surprised, or they behave in their usual patterns. In addition, we have the perfectly set table, a beautifully decorated house, plenty of presents and the ability to satisfy everything on our children’s wish lists. And do it all while working full time. Although she may have a point, I can’t give up hope. I hope that this year is better than last year. I think that was part of what drove Jacob home—that time had healed old wounds and that people had changed for the better.

Strategy #2: Set Secure Boundaries
However, since realistically, our relatives will probably continue to act like they always have, you need to figure out how much contact you really want. Setting clear boundaries is helpful. Deciding what they are before hand is critical to avoiding holiday melt-downs. Do you need an escape plan? Jacob’s is to go to the other side of the river, putting enough distance between Laban who is pursuing him and Esau who may be jealous of his amassed wealth. What can you do to limit exposure to people who are toxic—or who remind you of past issues or current struggles?
Be sensitive to the needs for private space. Having everyone under one roof might have seemed like a good idea in September. Remember Ben Franklin’s rule, Dead fish and house guests both smell after three days. Provide ample opportunities to be together and to explore things as individuals or subgroups. Boggle in one room, a puzzle in another, a group sleigh ride or movie outing, a quiet place to read.

Boundaries can include being clear about how much money you are going to spend. Research has shown the de-emphasizing the material aspects of holidays will help. This was a point that Jacob missed as he amassed his wealth trying to impress his brother. He was trying to say, “Look at me—I’ve made it and I am returning successful.” My suggestion, look for other ways to be together. Festive meals, working at a soup kitchen, all going to a movie are alternatives to the present trap.

Strategy #3: Lose Control
Recognize that while you are doing this planning, it may not be perfect. You may be in the middle of the best latke you ever tasted, which was lovingly prepared by your mother who then says, well meaning, “Honey have you tried Weight Watchers?” I used to say that the worst thing in the world was a Jewish mother who thinks her daughter should be on a diet. “Eat, eat I bought all your favorite foods. Don’t eat you’re too fat.” But if we let those comments, whether they are about weight, money or politics affect us deeply, then, in fact, we have surrendered control and they win. The reverse is also true. If we attempt to control other people, we are, in fac, under their control. If you can’t be happy until your mother finally understands you, her dysfunction rules your life. You could spend the next twenty years trying to please her and she still may not think you are good enough. That’s what Jacob did. Waited the twenty years to go home again, when he felt he was secure enough in himself. Twenty years is a long time. A lot of wasted time. Rather, be who you are now. As Beck said, ”Don’t violate your own code of values and ethics but don’t waste energy trying to make other people violate theirs. If soul searching has shown you that your mother’s opinions are wrong for you—or your grandfather’s bigotry, your sister’s new religion and your cousin’s alcoholism—acknowledge it, hold it in your heart and know that your relatives are also free to do the same.” Or as another magazine suggested, “Set aside your differences for the holidays.” Again acknowledge them but agree to disagree. If, as she says, you’ve been deeply wounded by your family of origin, you can stop trying to control them and accept full responsibility for your own healing. This is not a blame the victim strategy. Rather it is still a boundary setting. You have the ability to respond to injury by seeking cures instead of furthering pain.

Strategy #4: Become a Participant Observer
Social scientists use a technique called participant observation. Where they join groups in order to watch and learn about what they do. Use the holidays to learn about family systems and report what you learned to friends after the holidays over a cup of coffee. Or instead of seeking love and approval look for comedy. Watch closely. Like late night TV, it may have giggling for years to come. Beck suggests some possible games to play to focus your attention, like Queen for the Day or Bingo but they seemed too complicated for me.
Strategy #5: Debrief
Even if you don’t play any participant observation games, it’s crucial to follow up on family events by debriefing with someone you love.

But I would suggest that the articles missed one thing that Jacob learned the hard way. That enough sleep is really important. That gives you space to dream. Jacob got surprised by G-d twice. He woke up after his first dream, in the beginning of this week’s parsha, “Surely the Lord is present in this place, Hamakom and I did not know it.” Look for signs of God’s presence.