A month ago, just a month ago, just after the first travel warning was announced I wrote about all the reasons I was going to Kenya. Today I need to write the other piece. Why am I not going to Kenya. At least not this summer.

The need is still there. And I am glad that American Jewish World Service has feet on the ground to deliver critical services though its partners and grantees. Even participating in the Global Justice Fellowship thus far, I have learned an incredible amount. About Africa, about Kenya, about delivery of services in Third World countries, (now called the Global South). I have learned about advocacy and organizing. Skills I can use here, nationally and right here in Elgin.

At some levels, I do not need to justify my decision to anyone. And yet, I am still justifying it to myself. When I wrote in May I was already scared. There had been two bombings and a warning from the US and British State Departments. But it didn’t involve the parts of the Kenya we would be going to. I was excited. I was gung-ho. I even had my shots!

Here’s what I know now:

• The Kenyan government did not anticipate the latest terrorist attack in the  small, coastal farming village. Nor did they expect round two in that same village the next night.  The president of Kenya said he was “mostly satisfied” with his security operations. In the next two months there is not enough time to fix the problems in Kenya. It will take years. http://www.ivpressonline.com/news/world/kenya-leader-s-allegation-trivializes-massacre/article_5aa0da9e-cb83-5b96-9d95-056e50f4c036.html

• By admitting they have brought in Israelis to help with the terrorism threat, it means they are already behind where they need to be. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xo11hl_kenya-asks-israel-for-help-fighting-terrorists_news and  http://www.csmonitor.com/World/Latest-News-Wires/2013/0923/Why-Israel-is-advising-Kenya-in-mall-attack-response

• There have been many calls this past week for various ministers to resign. If they do, that will further destabilize the country.  If they don’t resign who will take responsibility for fixing the problems? I learned about lots of grafts and bribes.  http://www.voanews.com/content/kenya-law-group-demands-security-secretarys-resignation-/1939086.html

• There is not reliable connectivity or electricity in some of the places we were going, so that if I personally had an issue getting help from my support team stateside could be compromised http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702303287804579447323711745040

• There is even less good medical care. For instance, we read an article about a girl who had been gang raped. The punishment was for the rapists to cut the lawn at the police station. Shocking? You bet. But not nearly as shocking as learning that the girl had serious issues because medical care in that village was so lacking. Her mother has already sold the family chickens, their most prized possession to pay for her care. She may be confined to a wheelchair forever. http://www.nation.co.ke/lifestyle/DN2/When-rapists-go-scot-free/-/957860/2022572/-/skd9s8z/-/index.html

• I am, and will always be white, American, woman. In this case I would be traveling with a Jewish group working on women and girls and LGBTQ issues. That is five strikes against me. The terrorists are using litmus tests to determine who to kill. I could never pass such a litmus test similar to what we are seeing in Iraq about being a Muslim. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/kenya/10904888/Kenya-attack-al-Shabaab-claims-new-attack-that-has-left-at-least-10-dead.html

The process of deciding was gut-wrenching for me.

There were tears. Plenty of tears.

There was a lot of reading—news of all kinds. American, British, Canadian, African, Israeli, some of which is reflected above.

There were phone calls and emails, around the globe. As it turns out, I know an incredible number of people who are in high positions who could help make this decision: congressional staffers, president of an NGO, military and competitive intelligence personnel in Israel, Germany and the US, the owner of a coffee bean importer. And rabbis. And ministers. Lots of rabbis.

I finally understand why people had issues with Senator Kerry’s “flip-flopping”. I must have changed my mind 24 times in 24 hours, driving my husband especially and others nearly crazy. I really wanted to go. I was thrilled to be chosen and to be honored by American Jewish World Service. I never did the Peace Corps and that has always been one of my biggest regrets. This was to be like my own Peace Corps.

Ultimately, the risks became too high. I felt I would be too anxious on the trip. Instead of healing myself by continuing to work on issues that are important to me, I could do further damage to myself. And if something, G-d forbid, happened, would there be US Embassy personnel or doctors or a Level One Trauma Center available?

I am not going to Kenya because it was making the people around me too anxious. I am not going to Kenya because I couldn’t even buy “key man” insurance in case something happened to me. None of us are indispensable. But what would happen to my family if something happened to me? What would happen to my congregation this close to the High Holidays.

I am not going to Kenya because I felt I could do more here in the United States to prevent violence against women, girls and the LGBTQ community than if I were in Kenya.

I am still sad.