Anyone ever had issues with their in-laws? Dread the Thanksgiving dinner discussions? Imagine being Jacob. You worked for Rachel for seven years. You were tricked and received Leah. You worked for another seven years and finally got the girl. Then you worked for six years for your flocks. Imagine now wanting to leave.

Imagine that dinner discussion. What would you say to your father-in-law? To your wives? To your children?

Telling your wives that their father cheated you, that G-d has taken away their father’s livestock and given it to you, probably violates every polite dinner conversation.

Fast forward, it is now 2018. Your family is gathering for Thanksgiving. All of the women’s magazines will tell you what you should talk about. And what you shouldn’t. No religion, no politics. No complaints about your vegan niece. No comments about how much food Aunt Suzy piles on her plate. No discussion of why is someone majoring in English. Or not yet dating. Or dating the wrong person. Or not married. Or not yet pregnant.

So how can we have a positive conversation in our politically diverse, culturally diverse families? How can we have meaningful, deep conversations without being rude?

Suggestions included talking about a favorite trip this year, how driver’s ed is going, ways that we can give back, what was most meaningful in the year.

I pulled some of these suggestions:

• What are you grateful for this holiday season?
  How can you pay it forward?
• What is your favorite part of Thanksgiving Day?
  What is your favorite family memory?
  If you could share Thanksgiving with one person in history, who would it be and why?
• What is your most embarrassing Thanksgiving moment?
• What is one thing you want/hope for this season?
• Where would you like to be next year at this time?

Edited from https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/0B5D2BUR6aFFzUWlpbzhhQnRzMkU?usp=drive_open

(And if you go to the site, they are on pretty fall leaves that you can print out on any color fall paper and then decorate your table with them!)

So it seems there are plenty of things to talk about without getting into a huge debate. But if there is some sparring—maybe that is OK. Next week we talk about Jacob wrestling with an angel, or a messenger, or a man—or maybe himself. His name is changed to Israel, whi ch means G-dwrestler. So go ahead and discuss. Argue. Debate. But do it civilly.

Judaism has much to say about how to have a discussion. How to speak. The Chofetz Chayim, (1839-1933) wrote several books on the power of speech, including “Guard your tongue” about the dangers of gossip and “lashon ha’ra, evil speech”. They can be dispelled to the ten rules below.

The Buddists have another way of simplifying whether you should say something. Think before you speak.

T—Is it true?

H—Is it helpful?

I—Is it inspiring?

N—Is it necessary?

K—is it kind?

Or is in necessary, is it kind, it is true. If it is not all three, don’t say it!

May all your dinner discussions this Thanksgiving sparkle!