I am tired. Really, really tired. I heard that at least four times last week. From congregants struggling with health issues. From well meaning volunteers. From people who had been traveling. From people who are exhausted by the news cycle. From cantors and rabbis all across the country. I heard it so often this week, I almost didn’t give this sermon. And I changed my introduction to reflect what I was hearing. I even said it on Sunday morning.

Brene Brown in her book, Dare to Lead, makes an interesting observation. She was doing a workshop for the army and asked the group to do one thing more, to take on yet another task. One brave soldier raised his hand and said, “I can’t. I’m tired.” She asked how many of the soldiers were tired and they all raised their hands. So I ask, how many of you are tired? Go ahead, raise you hands.

You are not alone. So what’s going on here? Brene Brown went back to do some research. She shows that tired is actually a code word for lonely. So let me try asking the question again. How many of you are lonely? You don’t have to raise your hands.

But if you are lonely, that’s OK , too. Again you are not alone. And you are loved.

One of the editors of my upcoming book asked me to look hard at one phrase I had repeated. You are not alone. I used it over and over again. I believe that is a message that people need to hear. We walk with you. Next to you. I couldn’t find a phrase that was as powerful. So let me say it again. You are not alone. And you are loved.

But being tired and lonely lead to other issues. In 2004 study, 1 in 4 Americans had no one in their life they could confide. Vivek Murthy, the former US Surgeon General said, “Loneliness and social isolation are ‘associated with a reduction in lifespan similar to that of smoking 15 cigarettes a day and even greater than that associated with obesity.” Dr. Atul Gwande, author of Being Mortal said that the three plagues of aging are boredom, loneliness and helplessness. Rachel Cowan in her book, Wise Aging, said that seniors fear invisibility, isolation and being without purpose.

Social isolation leads to a host of issues: it interferes with problem solving ability, concentration, memory, your sleep cycle. It also lowers your immune, system, is a risk factor for Type 2 diabetes and, arthritis and is as dangerous as obesity, and chronic Alcoholism, dementia, heart disease and depression.

And while much has been written about loneliness and the elderly, it is not limited to the aging. Rather, in analyzing the results of a study of 3.4 million people, the prevalence of loneliness peaks in adolescents and young adults and then much later in the oldest old.

You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can be in a committed relationship and still feel lonely. Or you can be living independently and be lonely. Our electronic devices while they connect us quickly across the globe have added to our isolation. As I said recently, I know more about all of you who I see routinely, frequently, than I know about my own kids and grandkids who live in three separate states. Facebook and phones help, but it is not the same as being in the same place. As a working mother, there were frequent debates about quality of time versus quantity in parenting. Do you think our children ever felt lonely or isolated?

There is an antidote to loneliness. At its root meaning, religion, from the Latin religio, means to tie back up into. People are searching for something to tie back up into, to replace

The Psalm for these days of teshuvah, Psalm 27 has this verse:

Though my mother and my father leave me, yet, the Lord will take me in.

The Psalmist demands of G-d that G-d not hide his face. We hear echoes of this in the Sh’ma Koleinu prayer. Lord, hear our voice. Don’t hide your face. Don’t abandon me.

Somehow, being united with the Divine is an anecdote for loneliness.

And we are reassured that G-d is always present, that G-d neither slumbers nor sleeps. That G-d will give us rest and lighten our load. Often at hospitals I will sing the last verse of Adon Olam in a lullaby version:

Bayado afkid ruchi
B’eit ishan v’hira
V’im ruchi giviyati
Adonai li v’lo ira.

Into God’s hand I commit my spirit
When I sleep, and I awake
And with my spirit, my body
Adonai , is with me, I will not fear.

When you sing to someone in the hospital, when you visit, the person you are visiting feels less alone. They are less scared. And the most remarkable thing….it can have real, lasting medical benefits. Standing at the foot of a bed with a nurse, we have watched as blood pressure and heart rhythm returned to normal.

You are not alone in your loneliness or your fear.

In our study of leadership, the two most valued qualities of a leader were being a good communicator and a good listener. That’s leadership. It is also being a good friend. Being empathetic and caring. Hearing what your friend is saying. Sometimes hearing what your friend is not saying.

Telling someone to “buck it up and not be lonely,” isn’t very empathetic. It is not even very effective. Frequently, it only makes the person feel worse. Perhaps it is better of offer what is sometimes called the “gift of presence”, just sitting with someone. Offer to go for a walk. Go get a cup of coffee. Babysit the kids.

I am not alone in talking about loneliness this week. My colleague Rabbi Peg Kershenbaum shared a book she was speaking about:

Rabbi Marc Katz wrote, “The Heart of Loneliness, How Jewish Wisdom Can Help You Cope and Find Comfort.” He points out that many of our Biblical heroes, leaders, were lonely. Eve was mostly ignored by Adam after they ate of the apple. Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Hannah, struggling with infertility and its inherent shame in those days.

Katz even shows how G-d was lonely when rejected and dismissed by the Jewish people.

It is not a question of saying, “So you think you have troubles? Take a look at what happened to this Biblical forebear.” Rather, he uses these archetypes to show that our tradition is just the place to turn for comfort.

Aaron, Moses, Miriam, Jeremiah, Jonah all experienced loneliness. Rachel and Leah each married to Jacob were rivals, lonely and eventually friends. Moses who had to learn to delegate so he wasn’t alone judging the people. Miriam who with her skin disease was put outside the camp.

Abraham died alone. Only after his death did his two sons, Isaac who he almost sacrificed and Ishmael who he sent out into the wilderness to almost certain death, did they come back together to bury their father. Perhaps that is really the work of Yom Kippur, coming back together. Finding the courage to make amends or to phone a friend and break the isolation.

So often when I go to the hospital or assisted living places are people sitting there with no one to visit them. For days on end.

Rabbi Kershenbaum tells the story of the students of a famous rabbi who wanted to dispel darkness and so rid the world of evil. They ask their teacher how they should go about accomplishing their goal.

He tells them to take stiff, new brooms, go down into the cellar and sweep out the darkness. Down they all go, brooms in hand.

They sweep for hours but, not surprisingly, fail to sweep away the dark. Up they come to the rabbi. This time he tells them to go down and shout at the darkness. Down they troop and holler fiercely at the dark. Not surprisingly, it doesn’t budge. Up come the students to consult the sage. Beat it with sticks! he tells them and they dutifully bludgeon the dark cellar until their arms ache with the effort. A bit crestfallen, they go back to their rabbi. This time he tells them,

“Light a candle and the dark will flee. Then seek to be the candle wherever you meet the darkness.”

How then are can we, at CKI, be that candle?

We offer community, a way to be with friends. We offer services, education programs for kids and adults, amble chances to schmooze over Oneg Shabbat and Kiddushes, chances to celebrate and to mourn. People who will visit you or reach out a helping hand. A chance to not be lonely.

Each of you has the opportunity to be a candle. Don’t be like the punchline to the old Jewish joke. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Never mind, I’ll just sit in the dark. Here we have the opportunity to seek out friends who may be suffering—or just need a hug or word of encouragement. This is your chance to return, to tie back up. G-d is waiting for us to come home. Our souls are waiting for us to come home. We are waiting for the the light.