Yesterday we talked about connecting parents to children and children to parents. Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg, a friend, has written many books. One of her books is Nurture the Wow which outlines how parents can bring spirituality, especially, Judaism into their parenting. It is about creating positive lasting Jewish memories. It is about connecting their children to something they can connect to, something they can lean on.  Judaism can be fun, meaningful, a source of comfort in hard times.  

As a Jewish educator, it gives me hope. Giving our kids tools to respond to life’s challenges is important. Teaching them about gratitude, about love, about WOW give me hope, 

But as we saw in our parsha yesterday and today, it doesn’t always go well. What happens when there is a split between parents and children or children and parents. How do we repair the breech? How do we get reconnected?  

Sadly, this isn’t just an issue for Abraham and his children Isaac and Ishmael. It is a modern issue as well. 

Psychology Today gives us some tools, some steps. 

1. Examine why you want to reconnect. The reasons parents pursue reconciliation are as various as the reasons adult children estrange to begin with. A parent’s motivation is undoubtedly the key because it will determine pretty much how you will act and react. Do you actually miss your child and really want an opportunity to have a relationship with her or him? Do you regret the missed opportunities you had to know him or her? Or, alternatively, are you embarrassed by this very public fissure and what it says about your parenting? Or are you trying to get access to a grandchild or grandchildren whom you believe you have a “right” to see? Or do you need something from your adult child that you didn’t before? Or do you want an opportunity to “set the record straight?” If you are motivated by any of these, you can trust that it won’t work. You might as well stop reading now. 

2. Let go of your defenses and “reasons.” It is understandable that you feel defensive—rejection hurts as does estrangement—but you have to be able to somehow shift onto neutral ground and begin with acceptance. Any defensiveness or rationalizations you bring to the table—that you weren’t as bad as all that, that you did the best you could, that you had your reasons for parenting as you did, and more—will only solidify your adult child’s conviction that you are not capable of listening, much less changing.
3. Be prepared to actually hear what your adult child has to say. Now that parental estrangement is actually being talked about more, one of the persistent myths is that of the adult child who cuts contact without saying a word; this scenario—of a fit of pique presumably over something minor—gets repeated over and over again in public forums and elsewhere. Or that the adult child was co-opted by a therapist who encouraged the rupture. It’s a big world out there and, yes, perhaps there is an adult child who cut off during a hissy fit or was convinced by a rogue therapist but these are usually myths, not truths. Daughters and sons usually take years, if not decades, to decide on estrangement and, yes, they generally confront their parents about their treatment before reaching a decision. The problem is that they are usually brushed off defensively, told that they are “too sensitive” or that they are making things up or have faulty, flawed memories. For an adult child who already feels unseen and unheard, these pushbacks are sometimes the final straw and, indeed, at that point, they may “ghost” their parent or parents because talk seems pointless.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202402/estranged-parent-6-tips-for-reconciling-with-an-adult-child 

Judaism has much to say about teshuvah, repair, repentance, reconciliation. In the old days, the rabbis would give two sermons a year. One on Shabbat Shuvah, the Shabbat which begins tonight, the Shabbat between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, teaching us how to do teshuvah. The other on the Shabbat before Passover, teaching us how to prepare for Passover and remove the chametz from our houses, from our lives. They are not unrelated.  

Danya Ruttenberg’s most recent book, On Repentance and Repair is a book that is filled with wisdom on how to do precisely that. She answers the question, “How do we make amends?”  She is looking at it through a national and global lens. She relies heavily on Jewish tradition. There is plenty in our world that needs to heal.  

Our divided nation. The Middle East. Ukraine. Anti-semitism and Racism. Our very planet. It can be overwhelming. I don’t have all the answers. Neither does Danya.  

Before we get to the national and international healing, teshuvah, we need to look at things closer to home. Shalom Bayit, peace of the house is a big value in Judaism. And it doesn’t always happen. We are now in October which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One out of four women will experience violence in their lifetimes, often at the hand of their partners. Next week is The Community Crisis Center’s Partner in Peace breakfast, acknowledging those in our community who do the hard work to repair the trauma that too many experience, while also acknowledging that sometimes the breach is too big and it is not safe to return. We publicly thank Maureen Manning for all the work she does in her role as Executive Director of the Crisis Center. 

In our lead up to the election, we need to return to civil discourse. There have to be ways that friends and families can continue to have conversations together. This is not a new problem. It is just exacerbated. For as long as I can remember almost every women’s magazine had an article on this topic in their November issue. How to have a meaningful and peaceful Thanksgiving dinner. Topics to avoid included: 

• When are you getting married? 

• When are you having babies? 

• When are you changing jobs? 

• How are your finances? It can be stressful year round and lead to heated arguments. 

• Lack of accomplishments: Don’t remind someone why they haven’t done more with their life. 

• Relationships: This topic can lead to a lot of pressure and stress.  

• Weight: Weight gain or loss is another sensitive issue for some.  

• Sarcasm: Sarcasm serves no purpose other than to give you a moment’s satisfaction and take a piece out of the person you’re dishing it on.  

• Religion: This can be a sensitive subject for many people, especially if your beliefs go against your family’s social norms. 

• Who did you vote for? Politics: This can be a touchy subject, especially if there are differing opinions at the table. It can lead to heated arguments and people feeling picked on.   

 I  was always taught to not talk about religion and politics in public. It seems to be an occupational hazard. But my mother lacked tack when it came to weight. There are two stories that cut to the core. Typical Jewish mother, Eat, eat I bought all your favorite food, Don’t eat you are too fat. And once when I was leading a havdalah service, we sang the same song we sang last week. A good week, a week of peace, may gladness reign and joy increase. My mom, not in a stage whisper said, “I certainly hope not,” again with the implication that I, middle name Joy, should not gain more weight. I smile now thinking of it. At the time I was mortified and my face turned bright crimson with embarrassment, shame and anger.  

The illustration is important, and it goes to why this topic is so relevant for this High Holy Day season. I no longer have the opportunity to heal the relationship I had with my mother. Although I have worked on it plenty, 

Next week our kids will hear the story the Hardest Word.  

There is a recent commercial for “He Gets Us” from a conservative Christian group, aiming to teach us about Jesus. It comes to the same conclusion. Talking to a bunch of immigrants learning to speak English, they try to pronounce some really tough English words. But those are not the toughest. Try I love you. I forgive you. I’m sorry. 

  https://www.ispot.tv/ad/5QRj/he-gets-us-the-hardest-thing-to-say  

Judaism teaches us how to do this. How to do teshuvah. Moses Maimonides, also known as the Rambam codified it into steps.  

1. Recognize and discontinue the improper action.
2. Verbally confess the action, thus giving the action a concrete form in your own mind.
3. Regret the action. Evaluate the negative impact this action may have had on yourself or on others.
4. Determine never to repeat the action. Picture a better way to handle it. There are two different types of transgressions: those between a person and God and those between one person and another.

We heard the words of Rabbi Harold Kushner, of blessed memory, talking about this yesterday. Traditionally, from the Talmud: 

Teshuva for a sin between a person and God: When one has transgressed a mitzvah that does not affect another person, the teshuva is purely between the person and God; and the four steps listed above are all that are necessary for the repentance process. 

Teshuva for a sin between one person and another: When one has caused harm to others, whether by stealing from them, embarrassing them or anything else, then teshuva requires that restitution and reconciliation be arranged between the parties involved. The damaged party must forgive the perpetrator before Divine forgiveness is granted. 

However, a person is only obligated to ask for forgiveness three times. After three refusals, the person is no longer held accountable for that action, as he/she has proven their true regret. The person who will not accept a sincere apology after three requests for forgiveness, however, is guilty of bearing a grudge. 

What then is a sincere apology, My daughter says I never get it quite right. These steps mirror those of Rambam.  

• Acknowledge: Be the first to admit you did something wrong.  

• Take responsibility: Accept responsibility for your actions without making excuses.  

• Explain: Show that you understand why your actions were harmful and how they affected the other person.  

• Make amends: Offer to fix what’s broken and take action to prevent the same mistake from happening again.  

• Request forgiveness: Ask the person you wronged if they can forgive you.  

• Choose your timing: Apologize in a timely manner and in the right place and way.  

• Be respectful: Use respectful and sincere language, and avoid sarcasm, humor, or aggression.  

• Consider delivery: Many people prefer a verbal, in-person apology.  
• Listen: Listen to the other person’s experience and emotions.  

It is important in our communal life right here at CKI. Did any of you see the movie Keeping the Faith. Ben Stiller plays the rabbi. Spoiler alert: by the end he gives a Kol Nidre Sermon, one of the best I have ever heard, asking for forgiveness from the congregation. So taking a page from that sermon, and like yesterday’s tashlich,  

• I am sorry that sometimes I don’t manage my own emotions well enough 
• I am sorry that sometimes I lack patience. This is particularly true if I am tired or am moving too fast (see that’s not right, that’s an excuse) This is particularly hard on Peg and Heather. I’m sorry. 
• I am sorry that sometimes I talk more than I listen.  
• I am sorry that sometimes I don’t eat the right foods or at the right time. This can be especially hard if I didn’t do it right for evening meetings and I run out of energy 
• I am sorry that I haven’t quite figured out how to balance the Zoom room with the people in the room all of whom want to talk to me at the end of a service. 
• I am sorry I haven’t quite figured out balance. Especially true as I say I am sorry to Simon. 
• I will try to do better. But I will not promise I will never do those things again.  

Together, we can do teshuvah. Together we can return. Together we can reconcile. This is part of how we stay connected.