Sometimes it feels like services, especially High Holy Day ones happen despite other things, serious things that compete for our attention. I have had a long standing relationship with the Community Crisis Center in Elgin, our domestic violence shelter. (and so much more). Every October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, they host a Partner in Peace breakfast. This year I wasn’t even going to go even though it is one of my favorite events of the whole year. But they needed me to do the invocation, so I said yes, as long as I finished writing at least two sermons.

I have also been working with one of our families to help a four year old, essentially non-verbal child. I will always prioritize a child in potential danger over my sermons. Apparently I am not alone.

Here is a story that really, really resonates this year.

The great Rabbi Israel Salanter was missing from a synagogue on the Eve of Atonement, during the Kol Nidre, the holiest night of the Jewish calendar. The elders of the synagogue went out searching for him and they found him. There were two versions: One, he was taking care of a wounded calf, the other, he was helping some sick child. And they said to him, “Rabbi, why aren’t you in the synagogue.” He said, “Do you see what I am doing?” “But Rabbi, it is your duty to be in the synagogue praying.” He said, “I am praying. Every act of kindness is a prayer—a prayer that walks, moves, breathes and lives.”   Rabbi William Silverman

Invocation at Partners in Peace Breakfast 

Tonight, Jews all over the world will gather to recite the ancient words of Kol Nidre. It is a prayer, really a contract that helps us release us from our vows. Shalom Bayit, peace of the bouse is a big value in Judaism, but it can fail. That’s where all of you come in. And I am grateful for your presence here this morning, and for the work you do beyond this beautiful setting.  

So as we move into 5785, the Jewish year that begin just last week, here are my vows, my prayers for 5785. I hope you will echo with Amen, a Hebrew word that means , “May it be true.” 

I vow to listen to the voices of women. To hear them and believe them. 

I vow to hold shaking hands, give hugs when needed and be a shoulder to cry on. 

I vow to cry out and to cry with victims and survivors.  

I vow to help protect women and children, and men and children from family violence. 

I vow to support the work of the Community Crisis Center, their staff and their partners  

I vow to advocate for women everywhere so that one day we won’t need to have these breakfasts, as lovely as they are.  

I vow to not lose hope. To find joy in little moments. To see the smiles of those we serve. 

Ufros Aleinu Sukkat Shlomecha, Spread over us the sukkah, that fragile shelter of Your peace. Amen.  

Yesterday we talked about connecting parents to children and children to parents. Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg, a friend, has written many books. One of her books is Nurture the Wow which outlines how parents can bring spirituality, especially, Judaism into their parenting. It is about creating positive lasting Jewish memories. It is about connecting their children to something they can connect to, something they can lean on.  Judaism can be fun, meaningful, a source of comfort in hard times.  

As a Jewish educator, it gives me hope. Giving our kids tools to respond to life’s challenges is important. Teaching them about gratitude, about love, about WOW give me hope, 

But as we saw in our parsha yesterday and today, it doesn’t always go well. What happens when there is a split between parents and children or children and parents. How do we repair the breech? How do we get reconnected?  

Sadly, this isn’t just an issue for Abraham and his children Isaac and Ishmael. It is a modern issue as well. 

Psychology Today gives us some tools, some steps. 

1. Examine why you want to reconnect. The reasons parents pursue reconciliation are as various as the reasons adult children estrange to begin with. A parent’s motivation is undoubtedly the key because it will determine pretty much how you will act and react. Do you actually miss your child and really want an opportunity to have a relationship with her or him? Do you regret the missed opportunities you had to know him or her? Or, alternatively, are you embarrassed by this very public fissure and what it says about your parenting? Or are you trying to get access to a grandchild or grandchildren whom you believe you have a “right” to see? Or do you need something from your adult child that you didn’t before? Or do you want an opportunity to “set the record straight?” If you are motivated by any of these, you can trust that it won’t work. You might as well stop reading now. 

2. Let go of your defenses and “reasons.” It is understandable that you feel defensive—rejection hurts as does estrangement—but you have to be able to somehow shift onto neutral ground and begin with acceptance. Any defensiveness or rationalizations you bring to the table—that you weren’t as bad as all that, that you did the best you could, that you had your reasons for parenting as you did, and more—will only solidify your adult child’s conviction that you are not capable of listening, much less changing.
3. Be prepared to actually hear what your adult child has to say. Now that parental estrangement is actually being talked about more, one of the persistent myths is that of the adult child who cuts contact without saying a word; this scenario—of a fit of pique presumably over something minor—gets repeated over and over again in public forums and elsewhere. Or that the adult child was co-opted by a therapist who encouraged the rupture. It’s a big world out there and, yes, perhaps there is an adult child who cut off during a hissy fit or was convinced by a rogue therapist but these are usually myths, not truths. Daughters and sons usually take years, if not decades, to decide on estrangement and, yes, they generally confront their parents about their treatment before reaching a decision. The problem is that they are usually brushed off defensively, told that they are “too sensitive” or that they are making things up or have faulty, flawed memories. For an adult child who already feels unseen and unheard, these pushbacks are sometimes the final straw and, indeed, at that point, they may “ghost” their parent or parents because talk seems pointless.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202402/estranged-parent-6-tips-for-reconciling-with-an-adult-child 

Judaism has much to say about teshuvah, repair, repentance, reconciliation. In the old days, the rabbis would give two sermons a year. One on Shabbat Shuvah, the Shabbat which begins tonight, the Shabbat between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, teaching us how to do teshuvah. The other on the Shabbat before Passover, teaching us how to prepare for Passover and remove the chametz from our houses, from our lives. They are not unrelated.  

Danya Ruttenberg’s most recent book, On Repentance and Repair is a book that is filled with wisdom on how to do precisely that. She answers the question, “How do we make amends?”  She is looking at it through a national and global lens. She relies heavily on Jewish tradition. There is plenty in our world that needs to heal.  

Our divided nation. The Middle East. Ukraine. Anti-semitism and Racism. Our very planet. It can be overwhelming. I don’t have all the answers. Neither does Danya.  

Before we get to the national and international healing, teshuvah, we need to look at things closer to home. Shalom Bayit, peace of the house is a big value in Judaism. And it doesn’t always happen. We are now in October which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One out of four women will experience violence in their lifetimes, often at the hand of their partners. Next week is The Community Crisis Center’s Partner in Peace breakfast, acknowledging those in our community who do the hard work to repair the trauma that too many experience, while also acknowledging that sometimes the breach is too big and it is not safe to return. We publicly thank Maureen Manning for all the work she does in her role as Executive Director of the Crisis Center. 

In our lead up to the election, we need to return to civil discourse. There have to be ways that friends and families can continue to have conversations together. This is not a new problem. It is just exacerbated. For as long as I can remember almost every women’s magazine had an article on this topic in their November issue. How to have a meaningful and peaceful Thanksgiving dinner. Topics to avoid included: 

• When are you getting married? 

• When are you having babies? 

• When are you changing jobs? 

• How are your finances? It can be stressful year round and lead to heated arguments. 

• Lack of accomplishments: Don’t remind someone why they haven’t done more with their life. 

• Relationships: This topic can lead to a lot of pressure and stress.  

• Weight: Weight gain or loss is another sensitive issue for some.  

• Sarcasm: Sarcasm serves no purpose other than to give you a moment’s satisfaction and take a piece out of the person you’re dishing it on.  

• Religion: This can be a sensitive subject for many people, especially if your beliefs go against your family’s social norms. 

• Who did you vote for? Politics: This can be a touchy subject, especially if there are differing opinions at the table. It can lead to heated arguments and people feeling picked on.   

 I  was always taught to not talk about religion and politics in public. It seems to be an occupational hazard. But my mother lacked tack when it came to weight. There are two stories that cut to the core. Typical Jewish mother, Eat, eat I bought all your favorite food, Don’t eat you are too fat. And once when I was leading a havdalah service, we sang the same song we sang last week. A good week, a week of peace, may gladness reign and joy increase. My mom, not in a stage whisper said, “I certainly hope not,” again with the implication that I, middle name Joy, should not gain more weight. I smile now thinking of it. At the time I was mortified and my face turned bright crimson with embarrassment, shame and anger.  

The illustration is important, and it goes to why this topic is so relevant for this High Holy Day season. I no longer have the opportunity to heal the relationship I had with my mother. Although I have worked on it plenty, 

Next week our kids will hear the story the Hardest Word.  

There is a recent commercial for “He Gets Us” from a conservative Christian group, aiming to teach us about Jesus. It comes to the same conclusion. Talking to a bunch of immigrants learning to speak English, they try to pronounce some really tough English words. But those are not the toughest. Try I love you. I forgive you. I’m sorry. 

  https://www.ispot.tv/ad/5QRj/he-gets-us-the-hardest-thing-to-say  

Judaism teaches us how to do this. How to do teshuvah. Moses Maimonides, also known as the Rambam codified it into steps.  

1. Recognize and discontinue the improper action.
2. Verbally confess the action, thus giving the action a concrete form in your own mind.
3. Regret the action. Evaluate the negative impact this action may have had on yourself or on others.
4. Determine never to repeat the action. Picture a better way to handle it. There are two different types of transgressions: those between a person and God and those between one person and another.

We heard the words of Rabbi Harold Kushner, of blessed memory, talking about this yesterday. Traditionally, from the Talmud: 

Teshuva for a sin between a person and God: When one has transgressed a mitzvah that does not affect another person, the teshuva is purely between the person and God; and the four steps listed above are all that are necessary for the repentance process. 

Teshuva for a sin between one person and another: When one has caused harm to others, whether by stealing from them, embarrassing them or anything else, then teshuva requires that restitution and reconciliation be arranged between the parties involved. The damaged party must forgive the perpetrator before Divine forgiveness is granted. 

However, a person is only obligated to ask for forgiveness three times. After three refusals, the person is no longer held accountable for that action, as he/she has proven their true regret. The person who will not accept a sincere apology after three requests for forgiveness, however, is guilty of bearing a grudge. 

What then is a sincere apology, My daughter says I never get it quite right. These steps mirror those of Rambam.  

• Acknowledge: Be the first to admit you did something wrong.  

• Take responsibility: Accept responsibility for your actions without making excuses.  

• Explain: Show that you understand why your actions were harmful and how they affected the other person.  

• Make amends: Offer to fix what’s broken and take action to prevent the same mistake from happening again.  

• Request forgiveness: Ask the person you wronged if they can forgive you.  

• Choose your timing: Apologize in a timely manner and in the right place and way.  

• Be respectful: Use respectful and sincere language, and avoid sarcasm, humor, or aggression.  

• Consider delivery: Many people prefer a verbal, in-person apology.  
• Listen: Listen to the other person’s experience and emotions.  

It is important in our communal life right here at CKI. Did any of you see the movie Keeping the Faith. Ben Stiller plays the rabbi. Spoiler alert: by the end he gives a Kol Nidre Sermon, one of the best I have ever heard, asking for forgiveness from the congregation. So taking a page from that sermon, and like yesterday’s tashlich,  

• I am sorry that sometimes I don’t manage my own emotions well enough 
• I am sorry that sometimes I lack patience. This is particularly true if I am tired or am moving too fast (see that’s not right, that’s an excuse) This is particularly hard on Peg and Heather. I’m sorry. 
• I am sorry that sometimes I talk more than I listen.  
• I am sorry that sometimes I don’t eat the right foods or at the right time. This can be especially hard if I didn’t do it right for evening meetings and I run out of energy 
• I am sorry that I haven’t quite figured out how to balance the Zoom room with the people in the room all of whom want to talk to me at the end of a service. 
• I am sorry I haven’t quite figured out balance. Especially true as I say I am sorry to Simon. 
• I will try to do better. But I will not promise I will never do those things again.  

Together, we can do teshuvah. Together we can return. Together we can reconcile. This is part of how we stay connected.  

Our Torah portions about Abraham and Sarah, Hagar and Ishmael this morning and then Abraham and Isaac tomorrow are amongst the scariest in the Torah. Many a rabbi has asked why are these the portions that we read year after year for Rosh Hashanah? Where is the joy? Where is the hope? Where is the promise?  

I have a new insight this year. Perhaps that’s why we read them year after year. Every year we confront these texts, and we learn something new.  

First, what is the challenge here? Abraham listens to his wife, and seemingly at G-d’s command, he throws Hagar and their son out of the camp with only a skein of water and a loaf of bread. They run out of water.  She’s scared. So scared she cries out, “Don’t let me look on and watch the death of the lad.” Not by name. Some lad. G-d hears the cry of that child, not Hagar, opens Hagar’s eyes and she sees the water that was there all along.  

In tomorrow’s portion, called the Akeda, the binding of Isaac. Again, seeming at the direction of G-d, Abraham is willing to sacrifice his son, his only son, the one he loves, Isaac. But again, an angel stops the action. Abraham opens his eyes and sees the ram instead.  

Abraham and Hagar are far from perfect parents. Yet, Hagar and Abraham both open their eyes, and they find another way.  

These days we talk a lot about trauma informed care and ACEs. Adverse Childhood Experiences. Isaac and Ishmael both experienced trauma. Both lived with the aftereffects of adverse childhood experiences. 

Yet, both cases are about finding another way. The message is simple. Don’t sacrifice your kids.  Again and again we need to find another way. Don’t give up.  

After these traumas, Abraham lost contact with both of his children. Isaac and Ishmael didn’t come back together until they buried their father. While it was too late for Abraham, the story gives me hope that we can come back together.  

Parenting can be difficult. Being a child can be difficult. Internet, electronics, social media, school shootings, work-life balance, extra curriculars, ACE,  

And yet, that little powerful word, yet.  It can be the joyful. Rewarding. Worthwhile. Meaningful. Hannah longed for a child. Cried for a child. Prayed for a child. Promised she would dedicate a child to G-d. Eventually she was rewarded for her earnestness and Samual arrived.  

Every week we sing about L’dor v’dor. From generation to generation. But in many generations the young ones seem to reject what the older people have done. Maybe, but maybe not. 

Yet we want them to learn something from us, some sense of connectedness, some sense of community, of values. 

We recently ran four workshops on Death and Dyning in the Jewish community. As part of the last session we talked about ethical wills. Those things we want to hand down to our children and grandchildren. As practice we wrote group ethical will for our own descendants. 

We hope. We encourage you to: 

•  Cherish your family and learn about the family you come from Work to keep your family together 
• Learn your family’s special recipe for things like Challah or chopped liver 
• Be courageous 
• Do your best 
• Treat others as you would like to be treated 
• Above all, be kind 

It’s like the song Forever Young:
May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
And may you stay forever young

Chorus:
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you

May you always be courageous
Stand up right and be as strong
And may you stay forever young

(Chorus X2)
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful
May your song always be sung
And may you stay forever young

(Chorus X2)
May you grow up righteous and true
See the light surrounding you
May you grow up righteous and true
See the light surrounding you
 

As educators and rabbis what we hope what we are doing is creating lifelong Jewish memories. This past Sunday was no exception. Much of Judaism is very concrete. We use all our senses. We heard the sound of the shofar. We baked cinnamon challah and tasted pomegranate seeds. The building smelled divine.  And we wrote: 

 At Yom Kippur we chant an alef bet list of sins. This year, our students wrote an alef bet list of blessings that we hope for, that we wish for in our new year 5785. You will hear it later. These are the kinds of things that connect us, one generation to the next. 

 When the Israelites were standing at Sinai, we learn two midrashim. The first, before G-d gives us, we all stood at Sinai, the 10 Commandments, we are told that “our children are our guarantors.” The second that G-d created a voice just for young children. 

I tell this next story from the Talmud, usually at Tu B’shevat, the New Year of the Trees, but it is appropriate here on this Rosh Hashanah: 

One day, Honi the Circle Drawer was walking along the road when he saw a man planting a carob tree. Ḥoni said to him: This tree, after how many years will it bear fruit? The man said to him: It will not produce fruit until seventy years have passed. Ḥoni said to him: Wow, and you will live seventy years? You will wait that long to eat from this tree? The man said to him, just as my ancestors planted trees for me, I too am planting trees for my descendants. 

In Rachel Cowan’s Wise Aging, dedicated to the possibility of living the years ahead with joy, resilience and spirit, we learn that “becoming a grandparent means seeing one’s own children step into their positions as custodians of the future. But there is a cautionary note. “If we are wise and humble we will ask ourselves what we can do to support their growth and wellbeing without imposing our own sense of what their futures should look like.” 

This applies not just to our role as parents and grandparents, but also our role as synagogue leadership. 

We need to listen to our children, and their parents. They too are wise. Incredibly wise. When I asked people what they wanted to hear this Rosh Hashanah, the question came up 

“In a changing world of less synagogues and traditional communities, how can we make meaningful and unique experiences and traditions for the next generations?” 

It’s a good question. Look, we are still here. For thousands of years. We have outlived the Greeks, the Romans, the Assyrians and then some. For my father, it was less about the ritual ins and out, though for some, including me, those provide meaning, structure, stability. For my father it was about the ethics of Judaism, our commitment to education, and our very survival. 

That’s what we do at CKI, make meaningful, unique experiences.  

And yet…In every generation we sing a new song. The Psalms tell us so. Sing a new song to the Lord. We sing on Shabbat, “Or chadash. Cause a new light to shine.”  

It’s OK. That’s expected. That’s better than OK—it’s good. Every generation needs new experiences that represent them. New experiences. Nee music. New understandings. 

 We can’t do it for them or to them. We need to listen to them and find a way to provide the seeds. We need to help them find a way that this meaningful to them.  

Rabbi Harold Kushner in his book, How Good Do We Have to Be? Has a whole chapter on the love of Fathers and Sons, Mothers and Daughters. He begin the chapter saying that like many of us he was taught on Yom Kippur we have to atone for those things we had done to hurt other people before we could atone for our offenses against G-d. And that G-d would forgive us only when we had forgiven those who had hurt and disappointed us. That is exactly what it says in the Talmud. But as he grew older he learned that while the first half may be correct the second half may have it wrong. The whole chapter is worth reading. The whole book really. But his conclusion, “I don’t find it necessary to forgive my parents for the mistakes they made. It is no sin to be human. They were amateurs in a demanding game where even the experts can’t always get it right. Beyond forgiveness I love and admire them for all the good things they did, and I hope I have shown that love and admiration in the way they would have wanted me to, by passing on many of the those good qualities to my own daughter, eho I pray will find herself included to understand and to admire me.  

The conclusion of his entire book is that there is enough love to go around. Parents to children, children to parents, siblings, spouses. Those are those deep connections.  

The prophet Malachai, the last book of a prophet promises, yes, still promises,  

“Lo, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before the coming of the awesome, fearful day of GOD.  He shall reconcile parents with children and children with their parents, so that, when I come, I do not strike the whole land with utter destruction.” 

This gives me hope. The hearts of the children will be reconciled to their parents and the hearts of the parents will be reconciled with their children.” We can find another way. This is how we connect parents to children and children to parents. That’s what Rosh Hashanah is about. Easy? Maybe not. But doable. That gives me hope. 

From Wishes, Dreams, Blessings from our Youth:
We hope for:

Apples
The Best Year ever with balls and bananas
Courage and cookies and cats and dogs
Everything, especially exploring the environment
Fun, friends and frogs
Goodness in a good year
Hope, homes and Hebrew
Israel
Joy and Kindness
Love, light and life
Miracles and magic
Nicenes
Openness
Peace and 
Quiet
Rest and rainbows
Self respect and strength
Time
Understanding
Valor and values
Water
Xrays
Youthfulness and years
Zeal and Zen

I have a d’var Torah, a sermon written for tonight. However, before I can deliver it, there needs to be a new introduction. 

Tonight, we are going to talk about connections. Community. Relationships. We will. But first we need to pause. I am connected to Israel. To the land. To the people. To the State. It is a complicated relationship. But I am deeply connected. To the land that I have hiked. To the people, all of you, the stories I have learned from my earliest days, to the ethics that those stories and the thousands of years of commentary that it teaches, to each of you, to the Jewish people around the world.  to the country that I once lived in, to the dream of a place where Jews could live in freedom, without fear, without hatred.  

This past year has been impossibly difficult. This past week has been impossibly difficult. I am still connected to all of those things, I still believe in the dream. I still believe in the hope that Israel offers, I still believe.  

Some of you may feel connected to Israel. Some of you may not. Some of you may be sitting here tonight with a range of emotions, or no emotions at all. Some of you may wonder how we will ever find joy. How can we possibly celebrate Rosh Hashanah this year when time seemed to stop on Simchat Torah last year. Yet, as the saying goes “We will dance again.” Or as I read this week, “We will dance for them.”  

I hope you join me and will come back on Oct 6th for a Memorial for October 7th and all the lives lost and to remember the hostages. Then again on Kol Nidre to hear more formed thoughts. Tonight however, we pray for  a renewed commitment, connection to Israel. safety, for peace,  

And as always, we thank the Elgin Police Department for stepping up their coverage as Jewish institutions around the world have increased their security.  

Now for the real sermon: 

Imagine my surprise when I was at the grocery store and the newest Oprah magazine is called “The Power of Connection, Your guide to living joyfully. Building community, and finding deeper meaning in your life.” Wow! I bought the magazine without even thinking twice. Call it an impulse purchase. Or not. 

It is part of what we do here at CKI. We build community and create meaning. Hopefully we are joyful. After all, the Psalms teach us, “Ze hayom asah adonai. Nagila v’simcha bo. This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. So today, especially todayy, we say: Shanah Tovah. Happy New Year! The hope is it will be filled with joy. The reality as we have seen all too painfully, is that each year is filled with joy and pain. 

The joys include the little moments like watching our kids taste pomegranates for the first time or the dog practicing David Melech with me. Or the big moments, the baby namings, B-Mitzvah, graduations,  aufrufs, weddings. Pains can include health challenges, job losses, even deaths. Too many of those this year.  

That’s where community comes in. Together we celebrate. Together we support one another.  We laugh together and we cry together. 

For the next 10 days, and the rest of the year, we will learn about the Power of Connection. 

The beginning of this topic of connection at CKI came all the way back in April when the Torah School parents suggested it. Sitting around those round tables waiting for their students to be done with school and schmoozing about this new year they remarked that community is really about connection. And so, the yearly topic was born, long before Oprah’s magazine was on the market.  

It seems that what people want from/with community is connection. During the pandemic we were more isolated.  It has been hard to get that sense of connection and community back. Here and many other places. Yet, it was there then. It is here now.  Really. Come hang out with us on a Sunday morning. Join the Men’s Club for a Bears game or pizza. Say hello to someone you don’t know. Say hello to someone you haven’t seen in a while. And come to a shiva minyan. Hopefully not too many.  

We’re going to try that now. Introduce yourself to someone. Tell them something unique about you. That is how we are connected to each other. One to another. Understanding each other’s stories. Later you will get a bingo card. If you collect enough stickers, there will be a prize.  

The dictionary defines connection this way:
“Connection: a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.” 

Connections are important. They provide emotional support. They can offer comfort, validation and understanding in times of crisis or uncertainty, but really at any point. They foster a sense of belonging, purpose and happiness. Recently I participated in the first part of the strategic plan for U-46 going forward. One of the most important things U 46 wants for the kids, and the students themselves named it is a sense of belonging and safety. 

Connections provide a safe space to share joys, challenges and vulnerabilities. They can offer celebration, support and comfort. People want to be seen and heard. We need to meet people where they are.  

Connections can reduce isolation and can improve a friend’s sense of self-worth and confidence.  

Connections can provide an opportunity for shared experience creating lasting bonds and life long memories.  

Connections can provide loyalty. A friend who will stick by you through thick and thin and will provide emotional support. 

Connections can provide fun and laughter. We have member who always answers her work phone, “Can I help you plan some fun.” That always makes me smile. Fun and laughter can have therapeutic mental health benefits.  

The Jewish people understood the power of connection long before Oprah. 

If you are looking for Biblical sources, from the very beginning, G-d said, “It is not good for Adam, for man, to be alone.”  

Martin Buber talks about it when he talks about I-thou relationships. We are at our best when we have I-Thou relationships. In the I-Thou encounter, we relate to each other as authentic beings, without judgment, qualification, or objectification. I meet you as you are, and you meet me as who I am. In the I-Thou relationship, what is key is how I am with you in my own heart and mind. Conversely, it is the opposite in an I-It encounter, when we relate to another as object, completely outside of ourselves. 

Ron Wolfson took that concept and wrote a powerful book for our more modern times, Relational Judaism, where he argues that we don’t need more programming in synagogues, we need to find ways to better foster connections and community in our synagogues. He continues, It’s not about programs. It’s not about marketing.It’s not about branding, labels, logos, clever titles, website or smartphone apps. It’s not even about institutions. It’s about relationships. (page 2-3) He is a master storyteller and the book is well worth reading.  

What people desire in synagogues are relationships, friends.  

Maybe here is where I tell that old joke. Goldman comes to synagogue to talk to G-d. Goldberg comes to synagogue to talk to Goldman. That’s why we have things like Apples and Honey, Thank you Nikki and Gene and  Ellen and Risa. And Break-the-fast, Thank you, Barb Razowsky. That’s why there is book group, and Torah Study and Torah School. Choir. Sure, they are about lifelong learning, but they also build lifelong friends.  

That’s why we deliver goody bags to those who cannot get here. It helps connect people to their community. It helps them know that people here care and remember them. 

The studies all show that the isolation and loneliness are an epidemic. In 2018 only 16% of Americans felt very attached to their local community. Yet that sense of belonging and acceptance is what we crave. 

 https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf 

“Each of us can start now, in our own lives, by strengthening our connections and relationships.” Vivek H. Murthy, M.D., M.B.A 

  Congregation Kneseth Israel helps break that cycle. This gives me hope.  

One of the things we need to work on as a society, as a community, is mental health. Across the board, our children, our adolescents and our adults. After our Unity on Division block party, designed to foster connections, community and fun, Pastor Dave Daubert and I were sitting quietly talking, we had just moved traffic cones and garbage cans because that’s what rabbis and ministers do these days. We were talking about mental health and he pointed out that he is most concerned about senior mental health, because the research shows that as we age not only our bodies age but our brains age causing increased mental health issues and increased isolation, and loneliness.   

The pandemic has been hard. Rising anti-semitism. The war in Israel. The personal losses and health challenges.  The ongoing sense of isolation and loneliness.  

“Today was a Difficult Day,” said Pooh.
There was a pause.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Piglet.
“No,” said Pooh after a bit. “No, I don’t think I do.”
“That’s okay,” said Piglet, and he came and sat beside his friend.
“What are you doing?” asked Pooh.
“Nothing, really,” said Piglet. “Only, I know what Difficult Days are like. I quite often don’t feel like talking about it on my Difficult Days either.
“But goodness,” continued Piglet, “Difficult Days are so much easier when you know you’ve got someone there for you. And I’ll always be here for you, Pooh.”
And as Pooh sat there, working through in his head his Difficult Day, while the solid, reliable Piglet sat next to him quietly, swinging his little legs…he thought that his best friend had never been more right.”
A.A. Milne 

What Piglet does is create a safe, non-judgmental space where Pooh can just be. That is part of what we do here at CKI.  

Soon you will hear more and more about a book I fell in love with, The Amen Effect, by Rabbi Sharon Brous.  

As a way to deepen the connections between people right here, we are going to try something new. Like many communities and cities, often driven by the library, we will do a One Book One Community Read. We will kick that off in November for National Jewish Book Month by reading as a whole community, The Amen Effect. There will be a program at Gail Borden in November. There will be other ways to participate. And taking a page from Oprah, every family will get a book. (But you have to wait until Yom Kippur. It takes a while to ship from Milwaukee.) 

Shortly after I finished it, Tish Calhamer from the Gail Borden Public Library, a dear friend and a significant partner with CKI called. She knew what our November Book Group Book should be. The Amen Effect. (Of course she says AMEN). Later Judi Tepe sent an email from Jonathan Shively who is the Executive Director of Fox Valley Hands of Hope, He had been referred to the book by Chaplain Ed Hunter, who heard about the book from me. The book has lots to say about connections. If I could sum it up quickly, she urges us, all of us to just show up. And so you have.   

There is a power in connection. Just ask Oprah. Connection and the community that comes with it brings me hope. Shana tova.  

Today’s writing comes from Carol Levine. A dear friend for decades from Massachusetts. She and Simon both worked at Wang. Remember Wang. She was a member of Temple Emanuel of the Merrimack Valley. Since we both have February birthdays we share a love of the water. Oceans in particular. She collects friends. All over the world. For a lifetime as her writing will show. But today, today, she saw that my daughter was at our favorite ice cream stand in our home town and she went to meet her. Just like that. This is what deep life long connections and friendships are about. 

In the fall of 1968, I fell in love with Carole King’s “Tapestry” album and especially with the title song. “My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue…”. When Margaret asked me to write, for her Elul blog, something about connections, my mind instantly went to that song, with all the rich imagery inherent in tapestries. A tapestry artist places strands of color into the warp, slowly creating tapestry images in a symphony of threads, shapes, colors, and textures. In some ways we are all tapestry artists, creating the unique tapestries of our lives through a pictorial symphony of threads, shapes, colors, and textures that bind us to so many people in our lives. You might say “One Tapestry To Bind Them All”. 

There’s a profound relationship between connections and gratitude. I am grateful every day for the myriad connections that have enriched my life. I am grateful every day that I am still connected to most of the people—family and friends—who have played meaningful roles in my life, in my development as a human being, from late teens to now. 

As a college freshman I had a crush on a junior. All the girls wanted to go out with him. He invited me to Winter Carnival, and I was so excited. Then he took me back to the dorm that night and ended the relationship. But the connection did not break that night. We stayed friends and, thanks to years of visits and correspondence, we are still friends, learning from one another. That thread between us is an important part of the tapestry. I learned to live with my broken heart and create a new friendship. I am grateful for that living connection. 

I spent my sophomore year in Israel, at the Institute for Jewish Youth Leaders from Abroad. 110 of us from all over the world participated. I fell in love with a young man. He gave me a pearl ring. We ‘plighted our troth’ to one another. Back home, he returned to Toronto, and I returned to college at UMASS. We phoned. We wrote. And then one day he drove non-stop to see me at UMASS. Oh, how I loved that exotic bit of thread in my tapestry! Years passed and there was a falling out; the thread was still there but faded, the connection tenuous. Then one day, while visiting Kathy, a friend from the Israel year, the phone rang. It was my old friend, calling Kathy to apologize for any way he had not treated her well. She told him that I was with her, and he asked to speak to me, too, so that he could apologize. Thus began a new connection with him; for years now, we have been building a new friendship through email, letters, and phone calls. I have learned much from him, and I am grateful for that living connection. 

After college I lived in England for several years. There I met a Scottish woman who has now been my friend for 55 years. The thread of that friendship has always been thick, bright, and colorful, as we traveled through life’s stages together – work, travel, motherhood, bar mitzvah of my son, weddings (my son, her son), and milestone birthdays. Over the years she has become family, and friends with my friends, and I have become family, and friends with her friends. I am grateful for that living connection. 

In 1979 I took a night school class in accounting. I eventually connected with the teacher through a mutual love of photography. We became close friends until the spring when we both started feeling a whole different connection—17 years later he is family, and friends with my friends, and I have become family, and friends with his friends. I am grateful for that living connection. 

There are so many more people who have been important threads in the tapestry of my life. I am grateful for all those connections that sustain me in trying times and bring me joy over and over. 

Carol Levine 

Yesterday I wrote about connecting through books. Today’s words come from Tish Calhamer, the Community Engagement Librarian for the Gail Borden Public Library. Of course we connect through books And so much more. Music. She has been instrumental (pun intended) in Chamber Music on the Fox, and the amazing Violins of Hope program and display here in Elgin last year. Cooking. Restaurants. Gardening. Making the world a better place with things like the Martin Luther King Commission, the YWCA, Women on the Brink and so much more.

Here are her words about connections:

Not everyone is a big fan of Facebook, but I am. Facebook is seen as the invasion of privacy, the domain of trolls, Mark Z’s moneymaker. I love Facebook for one reason, one word: connection. Facebook has allowed me to connect with old high school friends that I didn’t even realize I wanted to connect with. I have connected with my cousins in the Dominican Republic that I lost touch with when our mothers were no longer around to keep family communication up and open. I have connected with people I don’t know but share things in common: people who like cats, grew up in Chicagoland, females born between 1965-1980 and weary of your crap; who love Johnny Cash and Scandinavian artists; looking for healthy recipes, looking for baby goats wearing pajamas, and looking for used bookshelves in decent condition (to be picked up safely in front of the police station.) 

I remember talking and giggling with my best friend on the way to school, during school, and walking home from school. Then I’d stretch the cord of our putty-colored rotary phone from the kitchen into the hallway and talk and giggle until my dad would yell that I was going to yank the phone off the wall. The connection I had with my friend was stronger than the phone’s connection to the wall! Decades later, Liking a post or sharing a video of baby goats wearing pajamas brings me that same feeling of connection. A word or two tapped out on a friend’s page uplifts my spirits—I’ve reached out and now we’re not alone. We share a thought for a moment. We know that we are in each other’s thoughts and hearts. We abide in our connection even after clicking on the X on the screen. 

Tish Calhamer 

This is the end of the week that we mark as National Banned Book Week. My parents owned a book store in the 80s. The American Booksellers Association together with the American Library Association sponsored this week and we participated every single year. I still have my buttons that we wore in the store. Books are important. Reading is important. One of the reasons is that it connects us to each other. The discussions about books deepen our knowledge and our ability to think critically and problem solve. I have been part of several book groups. The friendships that they have built are friendships that have lasted a life time. I read books for the CKI book group. I don’t go to the book selection meeting as a general rule so they pick and I read a wider range of books. I read cookbooks, biographies, memoirs, mysteries, books that friends suggest. Those discussions can connect me to people here or across the miles. Most books I read I write a review on a platform called goodreads. This also connects me to others. These days reading and libraries are under attack. It is hard to find independent book stores. Libraries add so much to our lives. They are true community builders. The Gail Borden Public Library here in Elgin offers books, obviously, and so much more. Meeting space. Classes and Events. Early voting. Passport services. DMV Services. Videos. Games. Children’s play space. Digital Media Lab. So much more.  
I don’t understand why some find books and libraries so threatening. Jews are known as People of the Book. Keep reading.

Part Two with Two More Exquisite  Photographs from Chaplain Ed Hunter:

As he said before:
Ponder on these images and so how they connect with your journey of life and reflection at this holy time. 

Look to how the images may help you think of your experience as they remind you of how images like these help us remember our connections with others and how important they can be.   

We continue to learn and grow in life.  As we seek out to build new connections and perhaps rebuild them, or  

remember what they meant or might mean for you, as you continue experience the gift of life with each other. 

The RED Stairway….. what stairs have you climbed or descended that have brought to a higher or lower place in your life? 

The Snow Bridge …. The seasons of the year bring sun and rain and snow and darkness… the seasons of our life connections 

Today’s reflection comes from our dear friend, Chaplain Ed Hunter. I say “ours” because he is a friend to so many. I say “ours” because he and I serve on several non-profit boards together. I ofen describe Ed as the chaplains’ chaplain. He is connected to so many. 

Here is Ed’s writing and his photography, some of which, like mine, will be at Fox Valley Hands of Hope art auction in October. 

In regard to the topic of connections, there are so many ways to reflect on what is a connection.  Personal for each one of us.  

Birth connections, marriage connections, religious community connections, work connections, social connections, historical  connections, etc…  

Some of us have experienced connections that lasted for a brief moment or others last a lifetime.  Some are vital and some are mundane. 

Some are life giving and some restrict our lives. 

Some change us forever… influencing the path we take in this life. 

Some we cherish and others we regret. 

I invite you to the take these words and the images to help you look are your own connections,   

Ponder on these images and so how they connect with your journey of life and reflection at this holy time. 

Look to how the images may help you think of your experience as they remind you of how images like these help us remember our connections with others and how important they can be.   

We continue to learn and grow in life.  As we seek out to build new connections and perhaps rebuild them, or  

remember what they meant or might mean for you, as you continue experience the gift of life with each other. 

 The RED Stairway….. what stairs have you climbed or descended that have brought to a higher or lower place in your life?  (Picture in next post)

The Snow Bridge …. The seasons of the year bring sun and rain and snow and darkness… the seasons of our life connections. (Picture in the next post)

The Floating Lantern…… breaking through the darkness to help us remember connections of our past and perhaps our future   

The Stretch of Tree Limbs … like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one.  

Bless your CONNECTIONS 

Chaplain Ed Hunter 

We have looked at a variety of forms of connection. Today we are going to examine the connections one feels if you know that people are praying for you if you are sick. My friend, Jeanne Davies, posted this quote this morning, “Rarely if ever, are any of us healed in isolation. Healing is an act of communion.” Bell Hooks 

Every week, Friday and Saturday, I ask for names that we are concerned about for healing, of mind, body and spirit. Some people come with a list prepared. Some, including me, forget during the sharing portion and then have to add another name later. People smile at each other, notice if someone is off the list, ask questions later.  

Most often we sing Debbie Friedman’s Mi Sheberach song,  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHKo3CjuzpY 

 Mi shebeirach avoteinu
M’kor hab’racha l’imoteinu
May the source of strength
Who blessed the ones before us
Help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing
And let us say Amen 

Mi shebeirach imoteinu
M’kor habrachah l’avoteinu
Bless those in need of healing with r’fuah sh’leimah
The renewal of body, the renewal of spirit
And let us say Amen 

It connects us, one to another. I also really like the El Na Refa na la, from Hadassah Hospital: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0D72zDZCI4 

Simply translated, G-d, please bring healing.  

There have been many studies that show that knowing that people are praying for you, however we see praying, may help in the healing. That’s connection. If you know someone cares, that helps. That’s connection. Recently the John Templeton Foundation, published this study, https://www.templeton.org/news/what-can-science-say-about-the-study-of-prayer  

Whether yes or no, we will continue to offer prayers of healing, as they help the individual and they help us as a community, stay connected, one to another.